by | Apr 18, 2022

When our kids were young, I used a chart by Ken Sande to teach them how to handle disputes. The chart had a picture of a rainbow that was used to demonstrate common reactions to conflict. Some people feel defensive, and they lash out. The chart labeled that response “attacking” and that category slid down one side of the rainbow. Other people feel wounded or ashamed, and they run from conflict. The chart labeled that as “running away”, and that category slid down the other side of the rainbow. The biblically sound reaction, according to the chart, is to stay on top of the rainbow and “talk it out”. That follows Matthew 18:15:


“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”

Matthew 18:15

I embraced that chart as the perfect, “Christian” tool to teach the kids how to resolve conflict, and it hung on our refrigerator for years. But I was a total failure at getting it to work!

In our family, one girl was a natural attacker, and the other girl was a natural flee-er. When the girls had conflict, one verbally attacked, and the other withdrew in tears. I got them to regroup and “talk it out”, but it only seemed to work with me as a mediator for each conflict, and they weren’t doing a good job of implementing it on their own.

What was I missing? Recently, I had a silly argument with my husband that we resolved, but our dispute highlighted the critical missing piece that we need to be peacekeepers.

People want to be heard and understood. In an argument, people tend to defend their behavior. Whether they hope to prove their point, or want to explain their mistake, their deepest need is for you to understand their perspective. In short, they want to be seen.


 “This is why I speak to them in parables. Though seeing, they do not see; Though hearing, they do not hear or understand.”

Matthew 13:13

Though hearing, they do not hear or understand.

Jesus knows that for change to occur, for conflict to be resolved, people need to be heard and understood.

The context of Matthew 13:13 happened when Jesus told people about His kingdom. When Jesus came, he disrupted the peace. The Pharisees were content to check their behavior against their laws and the Sadducees were satisfied with their self-sufficiency and their political party affiliation. Jesus told them they were both wrong and his words rubbed them the wrong way. They felt defensive, and when we are defensive, we fight to make ourselves heard and understood.

Jesus knew they weren’t openminded. That’s why Jesus said, “Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand.”


Let me ask you a question….

When have you entered an argument wondering what you can learn from the other person?

When we make every attempt to hear and understand, we will be acting out of love, learning more about the other person.

The enemy prowls around, subtly shifting information to stir up descension, and it’s easy to feel offended and defensive.


What we need to remember are two things:

  1. Wait until your fight/flight reflex has calmed down to talk it out
  2. Enter the discussion asking yourself, “What can I learn from the other person?”

Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called, Children of God.

The Pharisees and Sadducees refused to hear or understand. They were not peacemakers, and they were not called, “Children of God”. Don’t be like them, hearing, but not hearing or understanding. Be like Jesus, listening and comprehending, and asking yourself, what can I learn from this other person?

You are only responsible for your reaction, not the other person’s reaction. They may continue to be defensive and not hear or understand you. In that case, as a peacemaker, you may need to take the high road and walk away or give up what you desire.

You may lose a few wants in life, but you will gain what you need, eternal life as a Child of God. Plus, you will earn the reputation of being a Peacemaker, and whether you feel it or not, that’s a blessing.

Listen to the podcast below to learn more about finding true peace in the midst of the sometimes chaotic world of motherhood.

About MomQ

At MomQ we believe that motherhood is a calling from God. While it is both a privilege and an honor, it is by no means easy! Moms have a lot of questions/concerns and need caring support along their journey. Whether you are a brand new mom or a little more seasoned, MomQ is here to help you fulfill your God given role. Don’t see a group in your area? Contact us today about starting one in your community!

Seeking Help in the Midst of the Highs and the Lows

When things get hard as a parent, it can be easy to go into control mode, trying to maintain peace at all costs. The good news is that God is ready to help if we ask.

How the Gospel Helps Us Make Forgiveness a Regular Rhythm in Our Homes

If there is more than one person living in your house, then there is conflict. Inevitably creatin the need to apologize and repair the relationship.

How We Suffer as Believers: Our Hearts Ache, But We Always Have Joy

The reality is, as Christian moms, we experience deep, painful, sorrow. Cancer. Sickness. Job loss. Miscarriage. Infertility. Marital conflict.  Yet, we have something much different to cling to as believers.

Equipped by God: Encouragement in Raising Godly Children

Is the weight of being a good mother overwhelming you? Do you find yourself asking things like, “Am I doing enough for my children?
Am I doing the “right” things?
Know that your legacy will not in where you came from but to Whom you belong.

Simple, Yet Significant-How God Can Transform Our Efforts as Moms

How do we, as moms, go about our day ensuring the simple tasks we are doing produce the significant results we are hoping for? To achieve anything of true value as we parent, we must pray for direction from the Lord. Discover three areas of inspiration for your daily journey through motherhood.

A Messy Refinement: How to Refocus When You Feel Defeated as a Parent

If you’re feeling defeated as a parent today, I want to encourage you. God has given you what you need to carry out your purpose. Here are 3 things to help you refocus.

Three Strategies to Thrive vs. Survive With Kids This Summer

This summer, my daily prayer is that God would allow me to treasure the extra moments with my kids. To use this time wisely to disciple them, to love and serve them, and die to my fleshly desires of rigidity and control in the process.

A Treasured Possession-A Healthy Perspective on Body Image

No matter what temporary earthly body we walk around in, our value doesn’t lie in what others see but in what God sees and uses. All it takes on our part is a full surrender.

The Rumblings of the Spirit-Learning to Listen and Respond to God’s Call

I can recall instances when I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to pray for someone, to write a note of encouragement, or invite someone for coffee that I didn’t act on. This prompting went on for a few weeks and I kept putting it off. At some point I didn’t hear it anymore. Did God stop speaking or did I just grow numb to His voice?

When Mothers Pray….

I was raised by a praying mother. She taught me how to pray by simply watching her on her knees every day. Growing up, our family couldn’t afford any fancy vacations, nor did we have many toys but the godly lessons and legacy I was handed are beyond value.

Follow Us

Latest From Our Blog

Share This