Peacemaker

by | Apr 18, 2022

When our kids were young, I used a chart by Ken Sande to teach them how to handle disputes. The chart had a picture of a rainbow that was used to demonstrate common reactions to conflict. Some people feel defensive, and they lash out. The chart labeled that response “attacking” and that category slid down one side of the rainbow. Other people feel wounded or ashamed, and they run from conflict. The chart labeled that as “running away”, and that category slid down the other side of the rainbow. The biblically sound reaction, according to the chart, is to stay on top of the rainbow and “talk it out”. That follows Matthew 18:15:

 

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”

Matthew 18:15

I embraced that chart as the perfect, “Christian” tool to teach the kids how to resolve conflict, and it hung on our refrigerator for years. But I was a total failure at getting it to work!

In our family, one girl was a natural attacker, and the other girl was a natural flee-er. When the girls had conflict, one verbally attacked, and the other withdrew in tears. I got them to regroup and “talk it out”, but it only seemed to work with me as a mediator for each conflict, and they weren’t doing a good job of implementing it on their own.

What was I missing? Recently, I had a silly argument with my husband that we resolved, but our dispute highlighted the critical missing piece that we need to be peacekeepers.

People want to be heard and understood. In an argument, people tend to defend their behavior. Whether they hope to prove their point, or want to explain their mistake, their deepest need is for you to understand their perspective. In short, they want to be seen.

 

 “This is why I speak to them in parables. Though seeing, they do not see; Though hearing, they do not hear or understand.”

Matthew 13:13

Though hearing, they do not hear or understand.

Jesus knows that for change to occur, for conflict to be resolved, people need to be heard and understood.

The context of Matthew 13:13 happened when Jesus told people about His kingdom. When Jesus came, he disrupted the peace. The Pharisees were content to check their behavior against their laws and the Sadducees were satisfied with their self-sufficiency and their political party affiliation. Jesus told them they were both wrong and his words rubbed them the wrong way. They felt defensive, and when we are defensive, we fight to make ourselves heard and understood.

Jesus knew they weren’t openminded. That’s why Jesus said, “Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand.”

 

Let me ask you a question….

When have you entered an argument wondering what you can learn from the other person?

When we make every attempt to hear and understand, we will be acting out of love, learning more about the other person.

The enemy prowls around, subtly shifting information to stir up descension, and it’s easy to feel offended and defensive.

 

What we need to remember are two things:

  1. Wait until your fight/flight reflex has calmed down to talk it out
  2. Enter the discussion asking yourself, “What can I learn from the other person?”

Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called, Children of God.

The Pharisees and Sadducees refused to hear or understand. They were not peacemakers, and they were not called, “Children of God”. Don’t be like them, hearing, but not hearing or understanding. Be like Jesus, listening and comprehending, and asking yourself, what can I learn from this other person?

You are only responsible for your reaction, not the other person’s reaction. They may continue to be defensive and not hear or understand you. In that case, as a peacemaker, you may need to take the high road and walk away or give up what you desire.

You may lose a few wants in life, but you will gain what you need, eternal life as a Child of God. Plus, you will earn the reputation of being a Peacemaker, and whether you feel it or not, that’s a blessing.

Listen to the podcast below to learn more about finding true peace in the midst of the sometimes chaotic world of motherhood.

About MomQ

At MomQ we believe that motherhood is a calling from God. While it is both a privilege and an honor, it is by no means easy! Moms have a lot of questions/concerns and need caring support along their journey. Whether you are a brand new mom or a little more seasoned, MomQ is here to help you fulfill your God given role. Don’t see a group in your area? Contact us today about starting one in your community!

How Do I Prioritize My People?

Early on in our marriage, my husband and I fought A LOT.  We come from very different upbringings and thus had very different priorities and opinions on how things should go.  The worst part was that when we fought, we fought to win.  Inevitably when one person won,...

Truth Based Parenting

Parenting can be hard! Navigating it can sometimes leave parents feeling lost at sea. Kids don’t come with a manual and we find ourselves wandering aimlessly, having no idea which direction to point our compass. Consequently, well meaning relatives aside, parents...

Embracing the Rhythms of Motherhood: Unwrapping the Gifts of Each Season

In the dance of life, the rhythm of motherhood is a melody that ebbs and flows through the changing seasons. As I sit here, pondering the precious moments that define the journey of raising children, I’m reminded of the importance of embracing the unique gifts that each season brings to a mother’s heart.

Discovering Your True Identity Within Christian Motherhood: Grace-Based Truths For Biblical Parenting

As mothers, we don’t have to be perfect to be a good fit for motherhood… We are chosen by God to be Mom to our specific kiddos.

ADHD Mama: How God kept me sane . . . most of the time

This year, I was diagnosed me with ADHD. At 54. After my kids were grown and flown. Still, God had mercy on me during those hectic years

What Does God Ask Of Us?

It’s hard to do what’s right when we feel painfully wronged. It’s a sacrifice that seems too pricy or unfair alongside our circumstances. But, could this keep us from being useful to God?

Finding Time with God: A Christian Mom’s Guide to Meaningful Devotion Beyond “Quiet” Time

If you’re like me, your house is rarely quiet. Before the sun rises, there is rumblings of little ones asking questions about where we’re going, what they are having for breakfast and if they can bring their favorite stuffed animal to school. And in the rare moments...

Finding Comfort in God’s Unfailing Presence: A Mom’s Journey

In the whirlwind of our lives as mothers, it's easy to forget that we are never alone. But, the truth is God is always present, right beside us and holding our hand. We just have to remember to look. When our youngest daughter was 15 months old, we rushed her to the...

Seeking Help in the Midst of the Highs and the Lows

My toddler gives the biggest hugs I have ever received. He hugs with his whole body. “You melt mommy,” I tell him as he wraps his little arms around my shoulders. I can hardly contain my joy because there is something about those heart-to-heart hugs that makes me feel...

How the Gospel Helps Us Make Forgiveness a Regular Rhythm in Our Homes

Moms, how many times a week do you say this phrase?  “Say you’re sorry.”  Little brother pulled sister’s hair. “Say you’re sorry.”  Big sister shut little sister’s fingers in a door (maybe accidentally, maybe not). “Say you’re sorry.” Little sister took big sister’s...

Follow Us

Latest From Our Blog

How Do I Prioritize My People?

How Do I Prioritize My People?

Early on in our marriage, my husband and I fought A LOT.  We come from very different upbringings and thus had very different priorities and opinions on how things should go.  The worst part was that when we fought, we fought to win.  Inevitably when one person won,...

read more
Truth Based Parenting

Truth Based Parenting

Parenting can be hard! Navigating it can sometimes leave parents feeling lost at sea. Kids don’t come with a manual and we find ourselves wandering aimlessly, having no idea which direction to point our compass. Consequently, well meaning relatives aside, parents...

read more

Build relationships with other moms! Registration for our Spring session is now open!

X
Share This