Candace Nassar (00:00)
Amber, thank you so much for being here today. You have so much wisdom to offer our listeners and you’ve walked through so many of the same struggles that they face. And so I’m just so thankful that you’re here to tell us your story and share your wisdom. Welcome.
Amber Lia (00:18)
Thank you, Candice. I’ve been looking forward to this and I’m grateful that you have this podcast and that you’re being used to help moms because we need it.
Candace Nassar (00:27)
Amen. And that is exactly why we’re here. Your book is so good, so much wisdom, so many tips. I mean, I could take notes all day. Although my kids are already grown, I’m just still wanting to take notes. But what led you to write triggers? then just tell us a little bit about your own motherhood journey when you realized something had to change.
Amber Lia (00:46)
Yes, you know, my heart, like yours, Candace, is for moms because, moms know how to get things done, but we’ve got a lot of pressures, a lot of stressors, a lot of responsibilities, and that’s when things started to unravel for me. You I had been a pretty cool, calm, and collected adult. I felt like I had been a teacher for, you know, 10 years. I thought, man, I really never raised my voice, even in my classroom. I…
Candace Nassar (00:55)
Yeah, I feel it.
Amber Lia (01:11)
was in control and felt like I was gonna be an amazing mom. And I had prayed to be a mom. I got married a little bit later in life. You know, I have four boys who range from eight to 18, and it is a testosterone home. It is wild and crazy. It’s all I ever wanted to be. Yeah, but when my first son was born and then my second son was born and they didn’t sleep at night and we moved to a small town, I didn’t have support system and the house was messy and.
I was lonely, I was triggered, and I just knew that this was not what I had envisioned about motherhood. And that was a real blow to my hopes and dreams because I thought it was going to be really magical and it was in many ways. Like I love my kids so much and they were wonderful, but I was not prepared for what the journey of parenting was gonna look like for me personally.
And I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one who was having these struggles. You I wasn’t getting sleep at night, the house was messy, the kids would argue, they would talk back, and then I would explode. And I would be short tempered, and I would say things I swore I’d never say. And that was especially disheartening to me because I had grown up in an angry home. And my co-author, Wendy Speak, my sweet precious friend Wendy,
Candace Nassar (02:12)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Amber Lia (02:34)
You know, she grew up in a very peace-filled home. And then she found herself doing the same thing I was doing. You know, she was snapping at her kids and expressing a lot of anger and frustration. And we both thought, man, what is going on that we’re having these angry reactions? And so we’ll get into a little bit more of my story as we go along in this conversation, which I’m thankful for. But I do want moms to have hope that they can change, that God can change them, that they can become the mom that they want to be.
Candace Nassar (02:58)
Mm. Amen.
Amber Lia (03:01)
But it was early on for me, just with the different pressures and struggles and my expectations not being met of what I thought parenting was going to be. And I was expressing parts of my inner spirit that I didn’t realize were there. And so God used parenting really to refine me.
Candace Nassar (03:19)
And actually he promises in his word that that is going to happen, that parenthood is going to refine us. And I just think that’s part of his design, right? And, and, and making us, helping us see that we need him so much in the process, right? Because motherhood is never ending. It’s beautiful, but it is difficult. And so, I love how you said you felt like you were alone because
That is such a lie. I love it in the sense that that’s why MomQ exists, as we want moms to know they’re not alone in so many ways. So I’m excited to continue this conversation. Let’s go into how we all wish that we could have re-dos. I know me as a grandmother, looking back and wishing and thinking and reading your book and going, gosh, this is so, so good.
So can you, you already shared a little bit, but can you share some specifics about a vulnerable moment when you just really went, okay, this has got to change.
Amber Lia (04:17)
Yeah, this was my turning point actually. So we had moved to a small town. I had just had my third son. So I had three little boys, ages four and under, two in diapers, one potty training, know, just on the heels of potty training. And so there was a lot of pressure. We lived in a small town, so I didn’t have a lot of friends. I didn’t have any family support. And my husband was working very, very long hours at that time. And so I remember him going off to work one day, shutting the door behind him and…
I shut the door and I just kind of like, collapsed against it and I was, in my stinky pajamas, like two day old pajamas, and I looked around the house and I loved my children but it was a mess and I am a neat freak. So to have my house so messy, I was feeling very incapable, right? Like okay, something’s wrong with me. Like I can’t keep it together. Like how hard should this be? Why am I struggling so much? And I was snapping and frustrated and then there was like a knock on the door.
And it was like my, uh-oh, I hope this person didn’t just like overhear me being a total mess here inside my house. And thankfully it was a neighbor down the street who was an older gentleman, kind of hard of hearing. I’m like, okay, I think I dodged a bullet here with not having to, you know, be embarrassed. But it was a conviction. Like he is just dropping something off. But I just said in that moment, like, Lord, I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to be like this anymore.
This is not life to the full like you described and I really don’t think it’s my kids I think it’s me and so I took my time During nap time when the kids were sleeping which was very rare in a very short amount of time to really dive back into my Bible and Really get clear on what does God say about anger and frustration? What does he say about parenting? What does he say about being a good father? Because I know that that’s what I need to emulate myself
And so I did that. just very systematically started leaning in and studying this topic. And I didn’t tell very many people about my struggles because I was embarrassed. And that’s one of the things that God has brought me a long way on because the Lord was faithful to transform me and to transform my home. And he gets the glory for that. But several years down the road later,
I was writing for, I had started a mommy blog and I was writing for another big website and we were getting the word that there were a lot of moms kind of starting to say they were struggling with anger. And so I ended up starting just a Facebook group for moms who struggle with anger and yelling. And I thought, okay, we’ll see how this goes. I didn’t really want to do it because again, I had like gone through it. I didn’t really want to keep revisiting that. It was sort of a dark time in my life, but I thought, okay, Lord, you you want me to do this. So I’ll do it.
I started this Facebook group and a thousand people joined the first week just by word of mouth. And that was my big aha that, okay, this is a topic that people need to talk about. And nowadays people are talking about it a lot, but back then nobody was. And so I even was in that group like just kind of shocked at how visceral people’s anger were and there was a lot of conversation initially blaming our children and our circumstances. And so I remember praying like,
Candace Nassar (07:13)
Bye.
Amber Lia (07:14)
Lord, please turn this ship around because it has to start with mom. It has to start with me and my heart. And this is not about my children, ultimately, at end of the day. I need you to give me wisdom.” And so he did. And then my sweet friend Wendy, after a couple years in there, just like really trying to minister to these moms. You the group had grown to like 17,000 people. Publishers actually were not interested in publishing.
any books I was wanting to write on this topic because they thought there’s too much stigma and no one will buy a book on anger. So again, that just tells you like how much it was not being talked about at the time. But Wendy and I felt so convicted about it and we just were like, I mean, I remember waking up at night and the Lord just saying, you have to write about this and you have to do it now. And so I said, Wendy, let’s just jump in and do this. And so we did and we actually self-published triggers initially. I don’t talk about this too much, but
because we couldn’t get it a publisher. it’s sold over 100,000 copies. It’s just like crazy. It’s amazing what God did with it. And now, of course, I’m so glad that the topic is being discussed more because I felt very alone in that at that time. And I want moms to know, you’re not alone. This is very common struggle. And one of the first things I had to do was confess because the Bible tells us that when we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Candace Nassar (08:08)
Hmm.
Amber Lia (08:29)
But there’s also a lot of verses that talk about healing that comes when we confess. And so, if you’re a struggling angry mom like I was, you’re in good company, friends.
Candace Nassar (08:34)
huh.
Candace Nassar (08:38)
You know that I love so much every chapter you talk about you, you give a situation where you kind of experienced it. You go into, you know how you can transform whatever that is biblically and and then you really address mama and her heart. And I think that’s so good because you’re saying it now that it has to start with us right? And I think we so often with everything.
we look and we say, if this person just changed or if this circumstance just changed or if my child wasn’t like this, then I wouldn’t behave this way or then I wouldn’t do this. But really, that’s not the issue. The issue is the sin in our hearts. And so I love that because we all have to be open to that and teachable for the Lord to change us because children are going to do what they see. We say all the time in MomQ, more is caught than taught, right?
And so that’s a great thing. All right, let’s jump into the book itself. You have 31 chapters of all the different triggers that moms experience. So many good ones. Disobedience, pack talk, whining, bedtime battles, messes. I love the lying chapter. Really, really good. So, so powerful.
Amber Lia (09:30)
So true.
Amber Lia (09:49)
Thank
Candace Nassar (09:51)
And out of all these, which three would you say you see mom struggling with the most right now?
Amber Lia (09:57)
So, you know, these different 31 triggers that Wendy and I break down came from years and years of talking with, you know, moms, thousands of conversations, honestly, and really leaning into what are the biggest things that people struggle with. And I would say that, you know, we put the book into two different categories, external triggers and internal triggers, because there are external things that set us off, you know, like the messy house, right?
Candace Nassar (10:07)
Mm-hmm.
Amber Lia (10:23)
It’s the messy house, the chaos, the stress of that. And then there’s those internal triggers, things like exhaustion. I’m just exhausted as a mom and I’m so short tempered because of that, that lack of margin. And so I would say exhaustion and feelings of guilt are two that are the internal ones that moms struggle with and we can talk more about the guilt piece in a little bit. But when moms are really exhausted, we…
we are much more prone to saying and doing things that we regret. And so making time to come away and say, you know what, I need a nap, I need to rest, I need to clear my schedule, I need to not be going to this activity. And really allowing ourselves to remember that God rested, like there’s a reason for that. And even just the mental and emotional exhaustion that we feel, you know, to your point, Candice, like being in community with other moms.
Candace Nassar (11:07)
Mm-hmm.
Amber Lia (11:15)
and being able to talk with one another, to unburden ourselves, to carry one another’s burdens so that we’re not carrying so much emotional exhaustion, but that we can process that in healthy ways, those are really important things to do. We shouldn’t feel guilty about that. But I would say some of the biggest ones that we deal with with kids, disobedience for sure. And when kids disobey, I think a lot of us have had this mindset that
Candace Nassar (11:33)
Mm.
Amber Lia (11:39)
I’m the authority, I’m the mom, you do what I say, you be quiet, you do it joyfully, always happy. And I’m like putting a standard on my child that I can’t fulfill as a mature woman and adult. obedience is very hard. Obedience is very difficult. In fact, Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, he was willing to obey and he agonized over it. He even said, God, could you please take this away from me? He sweat great drops of blood over it. There was not a lot of happy, happy, joy there, know, honestly.
Candace Nassar
It is.
Amber Lia (12:04)
And so I’m expecting my very young child to be super spiritually mature and to obey joyfully. yes, their blessing is going to follow obedience for sure. They will benefit from obedience. There’s so many Bible verses that talk about that. But I also think it’s important for us as parents to understand and know that this is a process of sanctification. Sanctification takes time. It’s a day in and day out process.
And so, you know, I talk about being a mom as a coach in the first chapter of Triggers. And it’s really this idea of, if I have an athlete or a musician or anybody I’m trying to coach, I don’t immediately put them in the game, of the championship game the first day they show up, you know, to a tryout even. No, I evaluate them. What are their strengths? What are their weaknesses?
I want to help them grow in the areas of their strengths and I want to help them fine tune and grow in the areas of their weaknesses. And we do that by practicing, practicing, practicing, oops you messed up, let’s practice, let’s practice, let’s practice. And then we’re going to have a very clear path toward this is your reward or your consequence. Like if you show up, you’ve done the work, you’ve excelled, you’ve increased your speed and you’re faster than the other people, you’re gonna win the prize. And if you don’t, you lose the prize. And so we understand that in that realm, but then we come into a parenting and we just expect human nature, very immature kids, to live up to these expectations that I think are very much amiss. And so thinking of ourselves more as a coach and being able to say, my child disobeys, can I actually meet them with empathy instead of anger? Can I meet them with grace? And can I now look at this situation because really a trigger is just a signal that they haven’t arrived yet.
Candace Nassar (13:38)
Mm-hmm.
Amber Lia (13:44)
and it’s an opportunity for me to look at how can I better parent my child. And I need to give them some opportunity to grow in that, to be sanctified in that. And then there comes a point when we know, okay, here’s the blessing and here’s the consequence when these things are not met. There is a place for that. Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. It’s very proactive. It’s very intentional. But it’s all about our attitude and how we’re doing it and our expectations. So disobedience is a big one, but learning to
Candace Nassar (15:11.149)
Right.
Amber Lia (14:14)
Understand that this is a sanctification process. Can we give them grace? And I’ll just say this Candace because I feel led. am so thankful that God did not slap me upside down the head or put me in my room every time I stumbled and messed up over my life. He has been so kind and so gracious to me. It is his loving kindness that has often caused me to come to him in repentance. And Romans 2:4 is one of my key favorite verses. It says,
Candace Nassar (14:28)
Mm-hmm.
Amber Lia (14:41)
Do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance, and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance? And so it is our kindness that’s going to lead our children to repentance as we imitate the character of Christ. And then I think that the other last one I’ll talk about as far as a big trigger is sibling rivalry. A lot of us struggle with our kids
Candace Nassar (14:51)
Yeah.
Amber Lia (15:07)
fighting with each other, and again, those are opportunities to lean in and ask our children, what’s really going on? How can you have empathy? And there’s lots of practical suggestions and triggers about how to deal with sibling rivalry, but I will just say this. I really try to create opportunities for my kids to figure out.
the solution for themselves. It doesn’t mean I abandon them and just say ignore them and say figure it out for yourselves, but I will work very steadily with them like a coach and say, okay, tell me what happened, both of them, whoever’s involved, and then I will ask them, well, what is it that you wish was different in this situation, if they’re old enough to? And even little ones can handle some of these conversations, but.
really working with them together to find better solutions and giving them instruction outside of conflict when there’s sibling rivalry. I really, the main thing I do first is just let everybody just calm. We’re gonna take a minute because trying to teach a lesson or figure things out when emotions are very high is hard even for me again as an adult. So when there’s sibling rivalry, just being like, okay, let’s calm, let’s take a minute, let’s take some space, we’ll come back together in five minutes or whatever and then we’ll figure out what happened.
Candace Nassar (16:08)
Sure.
Amber Lia (16:19)
and what we can do because one of our family values is that we are peacemakers. So because in our family, we have certain family values where we are peacemakers, and then I will say this is not a peacemaking moment, but we’re gonna work on that when we come back together. This is teaching, training, and instructing our kids in righteousness. It’s not just you did something wrong, I’m tired of both of you, go to your rooms. Right, like that’s just punishment, punitive, it does not reach their heart. So calming everybody down, teaching outside of conflict, helping them to figure out.
How was this not peace and how can you become a peacemaker in this situation and helping them to engage with each other to problem solve? 1 Corinthians 13:11 says, I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. So let’s remember our kids are children. We have to help them toward manhood or womanhood, step by step, day by day, trigger by trigger.
Candace Nassar (16:55)
Really good.
Candace Nassar (17:12)
Yeah. Yeah. So good. You know, there’s a couple of things I want to unpack, first of all, I’m hearing this, this requires time. And I think that’s one of the big factors that as moms, we don’t feel like we have time. want instant results. And so we react in a way that, you know, we’re impatient.
Amber Lia (17:22)
Yes.
Candace Nassar (17:33)
We want to get onto the next thing. Why are you inconveniencing me in this way? Why aren’t you doing what I’m asking you to do? But really, I think we need to reframe that, that our primary job is discipling our children. It’s not keeping our house clean. It’s not going to work. It’s not all these things, right? This is our primary job. And so we have to carve out the time for that. And just feeling like, you know, I think there’s a lot of pressure. And I know for me, I’ll be honest, one of my big things was,
Candace Nassar (18:00)
I didn’t want my kids to embarrass me out in public, right? And, you talked about that some in your book. so I think just reframing it in our minds is, okay, what’s going on with me and how can I make sure that I’m okay with the time that I need to invest here and carving that out. And then, and then I want to talk just a little bit. You mentioned gentle parenting. And so I want to,
Let’s kind of dive into that just a little bit because there’s a lot of back and forth on that that goes on out there. So how would you define gentle parenting?
Amber Lia (18:32)
Gentle parenting is not being a jerk to your kids just because you’re an authority. know, gentle parenting is living out the fruit of the Spirit in every area of your life at all times. That’s what we’re called to do. We are called to live out the fruit of the Spirit. And gentleness, you know, our children are, they are fragile. They are. They’re young, they’re immature, they’re learning from us. And Jesus is a gentle.
Candace Nassar (18:51)
Mm-hmm.
Amber Lia (18:54)
God is a gentle God, gentleness comes from him, it’s part of his character. So why do we think that gentleness should be absent from parenting when God as a father is gentle to us? gentleness doesn’t mean ignoring behavior, it’s all about our posture and our attitude and our mindset when we’re dealing with our kids. We can be very, very authoritative and intentional and still be kind. We can be very, you know,
Candace Nassar (19:06)
Mm-hmm.
Candace Nassar (19:20)
Right.
Amber Lia (19:22)
on consequences and do them in a loving way. I’m so sorry that you made that choice, son. And yeah, we’re gonna have to follow through on what you know the consequence is. And this is your consequence. I love you regardless. In fact, I love you too much to let you go down a wrong path. Now, I can say that lovingly and kindly and firmly. I don’t have to be a jerk about it. I don’t have to get angry. I don’t have to feel like a victim. It’s really not about me. It’s my role to emulate the fruit of the spirit toward my child, even when they are upset. And I’ll tell you, Candace.
Candace Nassar (19:33)
Yes.
Amber Lia (19:50)
The reason oftentimes we get unrighteously angry is because we have misdirected our anger at our children instead of the true enemy, which is Satan. When my child sins, I can have empathy for them and say, look at how they’re struggling. They’re not sinning against me. They’re sinning against God. I don’t need to freak out about that, what they just said to me. Wow, they’re struggling with sin. It’s my job to point them to Jesus and to correct them in a loving way. I don’t have to take this personally.
Candace Nassar (19:58)
Mm. Amen to that.
Amber Lia (20:16)
I am not a victim. I am privileged to be their mother and to point them to the Lord. So that helps a lot. But you also asked just about time. You know that this takes time. You’re right, it sure does. This takes a lot of time. And it takes intentionality and it takes consistency. But one of my favorite things I say, maybe daily. I might say this daily to one person or another and certainly to myself. And it is this. There is plenty of time to do all the things that matter most.
Candace Nassar (20:47)
Sure. Yeah.
Amber Lia (20:47)
Period. There’s just plenty of time to do all the things that matter most. And how we spend our time will reveal where our focus is and where our priorities are. So if my priority is raising godly children, you know, learning to myself first spend time in God’s Word and in prayer so that I am filled up, I cannot pour out from an empty vessel. And so I have to be making time. I am…
Candace Nassar (21:06)
That was me.
Candace Nassar (21:10)
yes.
Amber Lia (21:13)
very consistent with my time with the Lord personally and it is from the overflow of that that I’m able to instruct my children and to coach my children. But we have to make time for these things, Candace. What is the whole point of our lives? God says, are to love me and love others as yourself and to go and make disciples. Like that’s why we’re here in this world.
Candace Nassar (21:36)
Mm-hmm.
Amber Lia (21:36)
And so if we’re allowing jobs and sports and other responsibilities to overshadow that, then we have to stop and reconsider and reconstruct what we’re doing with our lives and in our daily schedules. Because there is plenty of time to do all the things that matter most. And my first line of missions is my children and in my home. And then by extension, the kids they bring into my home because they’re hanging out with us.
Candace Nassar (21:56)
Absolutely, absolutely.
Candace Nassar (22:01)
Yeah, yeah, love that. And it’s always interesting, I found that my kids’ friends wanted to be at our house because there was consistency, there was stability. I didn’t yell, I had other issues, but I think one of the things that I love that you talk about, like I was just listening to your manipulation chapter, and I think we as moms do a lot of manipulating, right?
And I think that comes back to the time thing, but I love how you talked about, know, I actually, think it was the lying chapter where you talked about when they can feel comfortable that they’re not going to get punished, right? That there, that this is a place where they can be open and honest and take responsibility. That is so key. That is so key. And I, just, I want to talk about that for a few minutes.
Amber Lia (22:54)
Absolutely, you know if we don’t create a safe environment for our kids to take down the mask and reveal who they are at their weakest and worst moments then we are missing out on some of the most beautiful opportunities to point them to Christ and to show them grace and love and if I’m always harsh with them if they don’t if they feel like they’re just going to get in trouble all the time then
we are never going to have the kind of father-mother-child relationship that God has with us. It is safe for us to go to the Lord with our sin. And He meets us with compassion and grace and love and a lot of instruction, right? A lot of instruction. But again, back to the gentle parenting piece with a lot of love and grace. so, I want my kids to…be able to come to me.
It doesn’t mean that I’m their buddy and that they’re not going to be held accountable. I am their friend. Jesus is a friend. He’s a friend that sticks closer than a brother. I’m very friendly with my children, but they also know that I am their guard. I am their guardian. I am their safe place. So yes, if my child lies and I immediately punish them instead of walking them through, help me understand why you felt like you needed to lie. Help me understand what it is
going on that you reacted this way or that you talked back to me. When my child talks back to me, do I say, hmm, I wonder what’s going on, you know, that they’re so upset and angry right now themselves, you know, that their emotions are so high that they have forgotten that we’re peacemakers and that we speak to one another with respect in our home. Will I deal with that? Yes, I will. But the first thing I need to do, perhaps, is to come to them and say, hey, what’s going on?
Because I know that’s not who you really are. And I love to say that to my kids. Wendy and I have another book called Parenting Scripts where we put in a lot of just practical phrases and things that we say that are rooted in scripture in some of these intense moments. But I will often say to my child, you know what, the way you’re talking to me right now, I know you’re upset. It’s clear that you’re upset. But I don’t think this is who you really are or who you want to be right now. And I get it. And I’m going to give you some time to just calm for a second. And then we can talk about it and find out what’s really going on.
Candace Nassar (24:33)
Mm-hmm.
Amber Lia (24:57)
I mean talk about a safe place for someone to come to when they’re struggling, right? Don’t you wish you had a parent like that? You know, I do. That’s the kind of parent I want to be.
Candace Nassar (25:01)
that’s right.
Candace Nassar (25:06)
Yeah. And that’s how we have lifelong relationships with our kids. Right. I mean, if you’re, if we’re reacting and keeping that barrier because we’re, punishing, more than we are coaching. And I love that analogy. they’re going to learn to go other places to get what they need. And that’s not what we want. Right. And so it’s, but it’s okay. So it’s hard though. It’s hard to change, particularly if this is the way you’ve been parented. Right. And so, what are some strategies, I mean, we’re talking about being aware and all of this, and you’re saying be in the word, that’s key. Anything else that you will recommend?
Amber Lia (25:35)
Mm.
Amber Lia (25:39)
Absolutely, take one trigger at a time. You know, I look at that book, Triggers, and I think, yep, I’ve dealt with all 31 of those. You know, all 31 of those are a trigger for me. And that can be overwhelming. We can begin to think, okay, I’m a terrible parent. I struggle with so many of these things. I’m a hopeless mess, which is all a lie. You know, the enemy will try to put thoughts in your head that sound like an enemy. If they do, discard them because Jesus is your friend. He will, say, speak friendly to you. He will convict you lovingly.
He will not condemn you like your enemy will. And so really just taking one trigger at a time and saying, OK, what’s my biggest one or two triggers right now? Is it an internal one that deals with me? What do I need to do to get more rest? Is it something external? it that we’re always late and then we’re all a frantic, stress-stopped mess, and then it’s just drama? Or is it that these two siblings are having a hard time with each other right now and it’s a sibling rivalry issue? Is it that there’s so much screen time?
Candace Nassar (26:17)
Okay.
Amber Lia (26:36)
that everybody is disconnected and we don’t even communicate with each other anymore. So just kind of figuring out what is your biggest trigger. And then I just go to prayer like, Lord, I need your wisdom on this because he promises, he says, ask for wisdom and he gives wisdom generously without finding fault when we ask for wisdom. Like do not underestimate the power of prayer in all of this, but I pray my little heart out. I will go into my kids rooms and pray over their rooms.
When they’re at school, I’m praying for them, you know, just consistently. But I will take that trigger and I will pray it through and I will ask God to, you know, put a verse on my heart. I’ll look and search through what are some verses about peace, you know, among brothers or among mankind, you know, if it’s sibling rivalry. And then I will take that one verse and I will memorize it.
and I will write it on a sticky note and I will put it over the kitchen sink and I will put it on my steering wheel and I will put it on my bathroom mirror and I will have my kids memorize it with me. And I’m honest with my kids first and I say, you know what, I’ve been struggling with this trigger. Here’s the part that I own and I confess and I ask your forgiveness and I want us all to work on this together. And so I’m very transparent and honest with my kids. I want them to see what it looks like to be humble and to confess and to…
work on being sanctified in my own life. And then I often will ask my kids their feedback. Even at a young age, I can say to them, you know, we’re always late, everybody gets angry and stressed, it’s not working. Do you have any suggestions or ideas about how we can be on time? And it’s really good to involve your kids in problem solving solutions. But God’s gonna give you wisdom. And then I just systematically do it. Like my kids were running late all the time and I realized, okay, this is because no one can find their shoes. Like that’s the big issue.
So we need to put a basket by the front door and everybody just starts putting their shoes there and that’s where they live. And you know, we practice it outside of conflict. This is another big thing. Whatever the trigger is, whatever you’re coaching them to do, we’re gonna again practice this outside of times of conflict. Hey guys, let’s do a drill real quick and let’s just see if we can get to the door when I call you. You know, grab your shoes and let’s just practice for fun. And when you do, you know what? We’ve got some sugar-free jello later.
to enjoy, that’ll be a great blessing if we can knock this out. And so we go do it, right? We practice it and we practice it. And then we communicate, you know what, if things go haywire, it’s not like every single time, okay, now here’s, everybody’s clear on what the expectation is and from now on if you screw up, you know, you’re gonna be punished, you know, severely, no. But there can be certain consequences. We can work those things out with our kids, but practicing that and practicing that. So now they know.
And then really building them up. I’m a big believer in affirming what they’re doing well every step of the way. But just take a trigger at a time. Pray it through. Find a Bible verse that you can memorize. Ask your kids to help you problem solve. Confess where you need to confess. Team together with your family. You’re a family unit. You should be able to work together. You should be able to collaborate together. It doesn’t mean that they’re telling you what to do, but you’re giving them some investment in the situation.
And then you’re leading them and you’re coming up with those practical solutions and those biblical ones. Here’s why we’re doing this. This is why we want to leave in a peaceful way so that when we go out into the world we have peace in our hearts and our minds and not stress. Because our real goal is to be a light. And we can’t be a light if we’re angry at each other and stressed out and upset. And so teaching them why we do these things from start to finish.
Candace Nassar (29:53)
So good.
so practical. I mean, it just, seems sometimes when you’re in the moment, like this is never going to change. But I love that just like, okay, what is causing this? Let’s come up with a problem solving strategy. Let’s practice it and let’s change this habit in our house to something more beneficial and godly. So, yeah, that’s so good. I just love cause all of the, like you’re saying, we want to point our kids to Christ.
Amber Lia (30:15)
Leave nothing to chance. Leave nothing to chance.
Candace Nassar (30:23)
We want to be a light to them and we want to be a light to others as we love the people around us. So this has all been so good, Amber. I can’t thank you enough. I really appreciate it. What is one, if you had to say one thing to our listeners that you wanted to stick with them as they go back out and start to maybe make some changes, what would that be?
Amber Lia (30:45)
I want to address and encourage moms, dads, grandparents that you are not a bad mom. You know, a lot of us carry so much guilt. We think we’re terrible moms. Can you please just release that? If you’re here, if you’re listening, if you’re making efforts to grow, you are in the right place. That is what God wants is a willing heart. And so the enemy, his goal is to steal, kill and destroy.
Candace Nassar (31:03)
Yes.
Amber Lia (31:09)
and he does that in your mind. Okay, that’s one of the places he attacks is in your mind. And so just allow the guilt to be removed. Jesus already died for our guilt. It’s gone. We are pure and clean before him and we do not need to carry any more guilt. But the Holy Spirit does.
Lovingly convict us and Jesus says that I came to give life and give life to the full so we’ve got the enemy still Stealing killing and destroying we’ve got Jesus who came to give us life to the full So I want to encourage you to go to the foot of the cross lay that guilt down walk away free and untriggered and Receive God’s grace for you There is it is never too late what I have seen over and over and over again is
Even sometimes on day one that we soften in our spirit and we confess and we ask for the Lord’s help. His grace is so profound. His wisdom is so magnificent. Trust that God is going to honor your desire to be a godly, untriggered mom and walk in the freedom of that. It’s going to be a process for your child. Eighteen years it takes a childhood of sanctification. You’re in the thick of it too.
Give yourself grace moment by moment, trigger by trigger.
Candace Nassar (32:27)
That’s so awesome. Thank you so much, Amber. It’s been such a blessing to talk with you. And I know we’re going to put all of your information in our show notes so that our listeners can find your book and connect with you. So we will do that. And I just thank you so much. Take care. Bless you.
Amber Lia (32:41)
Thank you, Candice. Thank you, Candice. Bless you.