Parenting is hard enough work without all the messaging that we’re not doing it good enough.
And the Internet promises we can do better if we just try harder. Here are “ten ways you can eliminate clutter and have a peaceful home.” Here are “seven ways to get out the door on time every morning without forgetting anything” (or anyone). Here are “twenty-four ways to never yell at your kids again and have a perfect, happy family.”
The truth is we’re not perfect parents. We’re not perfect anything.
WHAT DOES PERFECT LOOK LIKE?
The closest thing to perfect that I know is my mom’s house. My mom keeps the cleanest home on the planet. Her bathrooms are always fully stocked with Band-aids, Q-tips, tissues, guest hairbrushes, guest toothbrushes, extra toilet paper, and a stack of clean towels paired with their matching washcloths (complete with air freshener packets tucked in between sets). Her guest bedrooms have perpetual vacuum lines in the carpet. I have never seen laundry in process at her house. Her closets are organized by season and color, and the laundry room contains no baskets or clothes waiting to be put away. It’s a mystery.
I vividly remember the one time I saw her house not perfectly tidy (other than when my children were in it). My parents were preparing for a nine-day road trip for their fiftieth anniversary. I wanted to surprise them and deliver their anniversary gift in person before they left. I drove an hour and a half to their house and rang the doorbell. They were surprised, and so was I. I walked in and found baskets of medicine out on the kitchen counter, laundry in process, and other signs of packing and preparation. I thought I had walked into the wrong house.
Here’s the interesting thing. I’m in my third decade of adulthood, and not once has my mom visited my house and pointed out dust or laundry on the bed or a pile of mail on the kitchen counter. Even though my house will never live up to the standard of cleanliness she has managed to maintain in her home, she doesn’t give in to the temptation to illuminate my shortcomings.
This is a picture of grace. I see what “perfect” looks like, and I don’t live up to the standard. But grace lets me live in the gap between what can be and what is—between who I am now and what I can become. Grace lets me be “in process.”
GRACE MOVES US ALONG
God’s grace lets us live in the tension between His holiness and our humanity—between His perfection and our shortcomings.
Merriam-Webster defines grace as “unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification”.
God’s grace lets us be “in process.”
We have the perfect example of Jesus, but we don’t (can’t) live up to the standard. But He is always moving us along, making us more like Him.
When I focus on what’s not right—with me, with my house, or with my kids—it always leads to disappointment. When I focus on what I can’t accomplish, it always leads to feeling overwhelmed.
When I’m laser-focused on what my kids DIDN’T DO today that I have asked them to do one thousand times, it always leads to frustration. When I point out what they DID DO that I’ve asked them not to do a hundred times that day, it leads to exhaustion, misunderstanding, and relational distance.
When I focus on grace—and rest in the tension that I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I was (and neither are they)—it leads to peace. I have peace in my heart and find that I can more easily extend grace to others.
GRACE TODAY
We often think of grace only as something that happened at the cross. We sometimes forget to live in this grace daily.
God’s grace is more than a past event. It’s more than salvation. It is that—Jesus’ death on the cross covered all our sins. His resurrection gives us victory in life and death—these are the most important events in human history.
But His grace is for every moment.
Paul David Tripp writes in his book, Parenting:
“Most Christian parents have a fairly good understanding of past grace, that is, the forgiveness they have received because of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, and they have a decent grasp of future grace, the place in eternity that is guaranteed them as a child of God. But the problem is that they have little understanding of present grace, the right here, right now benefits of the work of Christ for all of us living between the ‘already’ (past grace) and the ‘not yet’ (future grace).”
-Paul David Tripp, Parenting, p. 34
For all of us “in process”, God’s grace is with us today, in every moment. It covers our insecurities. It covers our missteps and regrets. It’s in the moment that you lose your patience and say words you regret. It’s in all the moments of feeling overwhelmed.
When we live in this grace daily, we can pour it out on our kids too. When they have a bad attitude. When they STILL haven’t cleaned their room. When they don’t feel like they’re enough.
“There is nothing more important to consistent, faithful, patient, loving, and effective parenting than to understand what God has given you in the grace of his Son, the Lord Jesus Christ.”
-Paul David Tripp, Parenting, p. 34
How can we root ourselves in this grace in every moment? Here are four ways to start:
1.) Remember My Sin
The more I remind myself of my need for grace, the more I can extend it to others. The more I’m reminded of my sin and the great lengths Jesus went to cover it, the more willing I am to forgive, love, and restore rather than condemn.
“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
-Romans 5:5 (ESV)
2.) Be Quiet
When I lose sight of grace, the less I say in that moment, the better. My words, especially to my children, can often come tinted with frustration and self-righteousness. If I’m not careful, they produce shame. But this isn’t how God treats us. God isn’t waiting to point out your mistakes and how you don’t measure up. He is lovingly providing His assistance to move you along in your process of sanctification—becoming more like Him.
“[Love] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.”
1 Corinthians 13:6 (ESV)
3.) Ask for Help
It’s always good to pray and ask God to help you in moments when you forget to have grace. But sometimes you need to ask for in-the-moment help. What are the things that tend to make you lose your focus on grace? Is it a messy house? Can you hire someone to help clean your house to reduce this frustration? Is it that hour when you’re trying to cook dinner, kids are asking for help with homework, and the baby is crying? Can you ask older kids to help and play with younger children while you get a few tasks done around the house?
Even Jesus delegated tasks to His disciples. Scripture records Jesus sending His disciples to buy food or secure housing. Maybe He didn’t need their help. I’m sure Jesus was capable of doing His own grocery shopping. But by handing off some of these tasks to His disciples, He made space to interact with people who needed His full attention. The encounter of Jesus with the Samaritan woman at the well happened while the disciples were off buying food (John 4:8). Sometimes, inviting others in to help frees up space for us to connect with the people who need our full attention without the built-up frustration of unfinished tasks and unmet expectations.
4.) Give Yourself Grace
Be the recipient of your own grace. Are you holding yourself to a standard that is impossible to live up to? Are you trying to keep unrealistic expectations? Are you looking at perfection and wondering why you can’t achieve it? Give yourself grace.
“But as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in all earnestness, and in our love for you—see that you excel in this act of grace also.”
2 Corinthians 8:7 (ESV)
God’s standard is perfection. But in all the moments between today and when we are made perfect in His presence, there’s grace.
Part of being “in process” is having relational margins, or an internal personal margin with ourselves and others. It’s just a buffer, or space, so that we’re not so maxed-out that we can’t enjoy what we’re doing. God calls us to delight and to enjoy our life. This “margin” starts in our hearts and our minds. We need to get ourselves in a head space where we can be available to the work that God needs us to do. The only way to do this is through starting with prayer and quieting our minds. If you want to learn more on this subject, join us on the MomQ podcast below to hear Annie Mendrala and Candace Nassar, MomQ teachers, share about the connection of finding rest and joy in a busy season.
At MomQ we believe that motherhood is a calling from God. While it is both a privilege and an honor, it is by no means easy! Moms have a lot of questions/concerns and need caring support along their journey. Whether you are a brand new mom or a little more seasoned, MomQ is here to help you fulfill your God given role. Don’t see a group in your area? Contact us today about starting one in your community!
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