Candace Nassar (00:00)
Well, welcome, Ali. It’s such a joy to have you here. You’ve lived such a beautifully unique story from growing up in Northern Ireland to raising your kids on tour. And I’m just excited for our listeners to hear how God’s faithfulness has shown up through every season of your journey. So welcome.
Ali Gilkeson (00:19)
Thank you so much for having me. I’m so glad to be here.
Candace Nassar (00:22)
Yeah, it’s really great. I’m excited. We were just chatting beforehand and I saw you guys in concert at a youth camp back in 2014 before Rend Collective hit it big. So I feel like I’m one of the originals, one of the OGs. It’s fun.
Ali Gilkeson (00:38)
Yes, you’re probably one of the really old merch shirts and the CDs when, you now you’re like, where do I play this CD? What can I put it in?
Candace Nassar (00:44)
I know, I don’t, I just, this morning I wanted to listen to My Lighthouse again and I just hit Spotify, you know. Yeah, it’s really exciting. So for those who don’t know your story beyond Rend Collective, can you introduce yourself and just share a little bit about your background growing up in Northern Ireland?
Ali Gilkeson (01:01)
Absolutely. So my name is Ali Gilkison. I grew up in a little coastal town called Carrickfurgus, which is just outside Belfast in Northern Ireland. And I know many people that I always say it’s funny. We came to America and we didn’t meet any Americans. We just met Irish because it feels like everyone’s always like, I’m Irish, I’m Irish, I’m Irish. But it’s great. Like I had a great childhood. I grew up in the church. I was
Candace Nassar (01:21)
How funny.
Ali Gilkeson (01:26)
involved in all the events and became a youth leader at a very young age and just always enjoyed being in ministry and enjoyed connecting with people and building community. then, yes, I was actually a trained physical therapist and then got involved with this band that was called Rend Collective Experiment at the time.
We would just do some shows and lead worship locally and we had a ministry called Rend Collective, was just really about taking the show out of church and taking, kind of stripping things back. And we just wanted to see what it would like to authentically hear from God and see what he wanted to do.
And after a few years of doing that, we just felt there to start writing our own music. And that led us into sort of doing different worship events around the UK and around Europe.
And then we were kind of praying about coming to America, but you know, being from Northern Ireland, which is a very small country, you’re going, it’s so big, how will we ever get there? And within about two weeks, we had an email from Chris Tomlin saying, Hey, I just heard your album, would you fancy coming on tour, a national tour with me and Lou Gigio? And we prayed about it for about 10 seconds and said yes!
Candace Nassar (02:27)
Mmm.
Candace Nassar (02:45)
Yeah, that’s pretty big. Yeah.
Ali Gilkeson (02:46)
It was a pretty big answer to prayer. We actually thought it was a prank because the email was something so obvious and we’re like, this is one of our friends just pranking us being like, yo, which would be something someone from Ireland would definitely do. And from there, life just took a crazy turn. We ended up touring full time all around America. We would do Europe every other year. We would do UK tours. We went to…
Candace Nassar (02:57)
Mmm.
Ali Gilkeson (03:13)
Japan, went to Australia, New Zealand and yeah things just kind of went a bit mad and when we decided do we want to have kids we thought you know what we do but we’re just gonna bring them on the adventure and so I ended up raising three kids on the road and homeschooling on the road and it was madness.
Candace Nassar (03:26)
Mm.
Ali Gilkeson (03:33)
Because you’re in a different city every day and it’s chaos and all the things. But it was a really unique experience. And just a few years ago, as my kids were getting older and needed some proper education, I decided to come off the road and put them into school. And yeah, so we’re now in Nashville, Tennessee, and we’ve got two dogs and yeah, life’s good. My parents are actually here from Ireland at the minute.
Candace Nassar (03:55)
my goodness.
Ali Gilkeson (03:59)
So they’re here staying, so the Irish accent level has gone way up. That’s so good. So that’s really the little bit of background. through that journey, storytelling is such a huge part of Irish culture. I think, honestly, because the weather is so bad, we’ve nothing else to do. We don’t have big malls or big indoor entertainment centers that we’re like,
Candace Nassar (04:03)
isn’t that the truth? That’s what happens. Yeah. Yeah.
Candace Nassar (04:15)
Mmm.
Ali Gilkeson (04:25)
We need to get really good at telling stories because that’s the only way we’re going to entertain ourselves. And that’s where the old things of lore come in and folk tales and all of that. And honestly, growing up in Ireland, if you couldn’t tell a good story, you were kind of, you’re like, okay, no, you’re no good. so storytelling was such a huge part of what we do. And I then wanted to transfer that into kids’ books. And that’s what I did.
Candace Nassar (04:30)
That’s so funny.
Candace Nassar (04:50)
my goodness. Yeah, we’re going to talk all about that. So let’s just focus a few minutes on, cause our listeners are moms of all ages, but a lot of them have, they’re in the thick of it. Right. And I want to know how in the world with the concerts and the travel days and the diapers and now, and now you’re telling me you were homeschooling, which makes perfect sense. How did you do that?
Ali Gilkeson (05:12)
I think that question to myself all the time because my firstborn Arthur, he was six weeks old and we took him on the road with Kerry Jobe and we were in the North of America and it was freezing and the inside of the window buses were frozen and we were also sharing a bus with six crew members. So there was me as a first time mum, six weeks postpartum.
with a tiny baby on a moving tour bus and I was like, what am I doing? Because even like the nighttime fades, know, the bus is moving during the night. So you would get up and you’re on a moving bus with a tiny baby trying to feed or trying to go into the back lounge and changing diapers while that was happening. And all I can say was that it was just such beautiful chaos and things got, things got a little bit easier.
But honestly, was just a really hard time, know, because especially with things like scheduling and all of that, you know, that’s so huge when you’ve got tiny babies. Well, I would really concentrate on scheduling and feeding every three hours or whatever.
And trying to fit that into, it’s feeding time, but we now need to get on this flight. And you’re going, now what am going to do about that? And you just had to learn flexibility, which I wasn’t great at, honestly.
Candace Nassar (06:28)
Mm-hmm.
Ali Gilkeson (06:30)
I wasn’t one of those mums that was like, everything’s gonna be fine, just go with the flow. I was like, no, my baby’s on a schedule, he needs to nap, you know? And trying to get babies to sleep and you’d just get them to sleep and then someone would come in the bathroom and go bang on the door. And you’d be like, no, I just spent 20 minutes trying to get this baby to sleep. So it was really hard but.
Candace Nassar (06:48)
Bless your heart.
Ali Gilkeson (06:52)
I will say having a community of people who were really on board with what we were trying to do really helped. And, you know, people were very considerate and, you know, there’d be times we would be walking up and down a church venue with the stroller trying to get someone to sleep or, you know, as they got a little bit older, you’re constantly going, okay, where’s the stairs? Be careful of this.
All of those little moments or even laundry if a child, you know spit up on himself or went through a diaper you’re like well I don’t get laundry for two days so here we are with a bucket and water and trying to figure things out so it was like being on a constant camping trip. But I will say now my children sleep everywhere, they eat almost anything, they could navigate an airport with perfection. mean I’m pretty sure I could drop all three of them off at Nashville International and be like okay.
Candace Nassar (07:32)
Wow.
Ali Gilkeson (07:45)
I’ll see you in Ireland and they would make it, they’d be fine. Because they’ve done it so many times, know, they know the process, they know the journey, they know where they need to sit, where they need to go, what they need to look for. Yeah, it was mad.
Candace Nassar (07:49)
That’s incredible.
Candace Nassar (08:55.731)
You know, I can’t help but think about how God was changing you during all of that. And, and you were saying that, you know, you weren’t necessarily a go with the flow person. And that’s what I pictured before I met you. I’m thinking, she has to be super laid back and go with the flow to make this work. And you’re saying, no, that’s not who you were. So how did you ground yourself in the Lord? How did he change you through that process?
Ali Gilkeson (08:06)
Yeah.
Ali Gilkeson (08:14)
No.
Ali Gilkeson (08:21)
Yeah, I mean there was just so much need. I think the exhaustion was so intense most of the time. Like, and I’ll be honest, there was days because when we had our third, there’s 14 months between my second and third, which, you know, wasn’t planned, but here we are. And so I just had like really two wee tiny babies in a bus and sleep was not really happening.
And there were days I like, couldn’t get off the bus to socialize or anything because I was so drained and so done. And I knew that I needed that energy because I still had a meet and greet and a show to perform and all the things to do. And you know, you would just have to go to that place where you’re like, okay, Lord, I need you. Like I’m in need of you. I need your strength. I need your courage.
I need just regenerated andy Yeah, that’s where I went to. I would pray for sleep so much. I’d like, if I could just get sleep, that’d be great. And then honestly, a few years in, the Lord really brought an excellent nanny to then help us. And that changed everything. Because it was just someone else to, just to have help on the road was huge, which we didn’t have until the kids were honestly,
Candace Nassar (09:23)
Okay, yeah. Yeah.
Ali Gilkeson (09:35)
maybe around four or three or four, we would just have help of another band member’s wife who would only watch them when we were on stage. So all that other time during the day was on us or was on me really, because Gareth would be recording. So there was moments of still being on your knees just going, I need help. I need help. I don’t got it today.
But there’s just, that’s the thing that I think is so incredible about mothers and motherhood is that you get up and you get on because you have to. And there’s just this ability of going, it’s on me. Like I have to keep going. is these babies can’t feed themselves or they can’t change themselves. And so we do it and it’s incredible. It’s incredible. And so I just think mothers are just the most amazing people in the world.
Candace Nassar (10:21)
Well, you know, I completely agree. But I, you know, I’m thinking about how we all, no matter where God has called us, motherhood is hard. It can be really hard. And obviously it was really hard for you, but it’s really interesting how, you guys said yes to the Lord when he called you to go out on tour and do this. And so some of us might be listening going, there’s no way I could ever, my life is hard enough right now in my home.
Ali Gilkeson (10:24)
Yeah.
Ali Gilkeson (10:32)
Mm-hmm.
Ali Gilkeson (10:49)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Candace Nassar (10:50)
you know, trying to do all these things, but thinking about how God called you to that. And so he empowered you and strengthened you when you asked him to. And I know it was hard. mean, it, motherhood, my husband traveled all the time. And so I had, and I had no family around and, but I know God, when I would cry out to him, he would meet me right where I was. you know, motherhood is a ministry. It’s a mission. And
Ali Gilkeson (10:56)
Yeah.
Ali Gilkeson (11:11)
Okay.
Oh yeah. Oh absolutely. And it’s full time. It’s 24-7. Yeah, absolutely.
Candace Nassar (11:17)
It’s full time. Yeah. You’re always on as a mother. I do love the fact that you had that community around you that was helping and pouring in because, know, that’s kind of an opposite, a lot of moms actually are very alone. They feel very alone in their motherhood. And so you had that community, you might have felt alone in the sense that they weren’t doing the same things as you, but, but you knew that they could, that you could count on them.
Ali Gilkeson (11:40)
Yes.
Ali Gilkeson (11:44)
Yeah, it was a little bit of, I think one of the probably the most challenging parts of it was you were being constantly witnessed as a mother. So you were being, you know, my motherhood was visible to the whole community and to every, every person that was in each venue of every day. So, so can you imagine, you know, you would come
Candace Nassar (11:52)
oooh oooh
Ali Gilkeson (12:05)
into the catering room and I’m like, my children, like people expect them to sit well, eat well and what am I going to do if they don’t? Because there’s a whole room now full of people, you know, that are watching me and witnessing me to see how I parent, to see how I discipline, to see how I love, I didn’t realize the like the weight of that until I kind of came off the road and I was in the house and going, I’m not like trying to prove anything to anybody or
Candace Nassar (12:11)
OOOOH
Ali Gilkeson (12:31)
you know, be like, my kids need to act a certain way because people expect, you know, if you’re leading worship at the front of a church, like your kids are really, they’ve got it together. There’s this funny story. I remember it was, we did a Christmas tour and we walked into a church and the pastor came up and said, I just want to welcome you. And I had young kids at the time and it was my middle son. And he said to him, my son’s called Lachlan. said, no, do you know whose birthday’s coming up?
And my son was like, I know yours. And I was like, look, we talked about this. It’s always Jesus. Always me, Jesus, guys, okay? So it was just, know, we moments like that. And that was things you just had to let go of. Of being like, you know, this is not kids be kids. But the other part of it is my kids really learned that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
Candace Nassar (12:59)
you’re like, WRONG ANSWER!
Candace Nassar (13:11)
Yes.
Candace Nassar (13:21)
Mm.
Ali Gilkeson (13:22)
that we live in community and we have to move as community and you didn’t want salmon for dinner tonight sorry that’s what the community is eating so that’s what we’re doing or and even like real social skills by the time we were sort of tailing to come off the road my eldest son he would go over and have dinner or lunch with the crew members and you know we’d be sitting chatting and you know all even to this day all the teachers in their school are like, your kids are the most social and can hold conversation or we love hanging out with them because they’ve just adjusted really well and I really appreciated the community were like wanting to invest in my kids.
They wanted to talk to them. They wanted to spend time with them. wasn’t, you kids are annoying, go away. It was, yeah, come sit with us. Let’s see what you got to say or what we’re going to do today. So it was really awesome. Yeah.
Candace Nassar (14:12)
That’s so good. That’s so good. And how did homeschooling work in that environment?
Ali Gilkeson (14:13)
Not great
Candace Nassar (14:18)
Somehow they learned to read.
Ali Gilkeson (14:19)
Well, and that was the craziest thing is, so from the youngest of age, my eldest loved books. I love books and books were a huge part because you went into any church and there was with the kids ministry, there was always books there or we would find the local library and go there because that was free and you would spend hours there.
And the problem with homeschool was there was so much distraction on the road. So there was lots of people, lots of community. My kids just wanted to hang out and have fun. And sometimes we would be in really awesome cities. So you’re going, let’s explore the city today and trying to find ways to educate in that way. But it was, it was amazing. And I would, I would come around and say, I think my view would be like, if you can homeschool your kids up to a certain age,
Candace Nassar (14:51)
Sure.
Ali Gilkeson (15:06)
Definitely do it because the time goes so fast and now they’re all in school all day and I miss them terrible You know, it’s like what did you learn or who you poured into your life today and Having that extra time with them and you know what they’ll learn it. They will learn it. They will learn to read They’ll get their numbers and I think sometimes a lot of the stress of homeschooling of to homeschool and excel was was huge and for me I was like
Candace Nassar (15:24)
Mm-hmm.
Ali Gilkeson (15:34)
First of all, coming from an Irish education, I don’t know American curriculum, first of all. So I was bringing over books from Ireland every time I went home being like, this is the math I know and this is the English I know. When my kids first went to school, the teacher was like, I’m not sure about their vowels. I’m like, that’s just an accent thing because in Ireland, it’s like, it’s not A-E-I-O-U, it’s O,O,O…
Candace Nassar (16:01)
my god.
Ali Gilkeson (16:05)
So once we got over that, know, because the whole band was Irish, so that’s what they were hearing. And so, yeah, it was definitely challenging, but so fun. And I loved just having the extra time with them and it was great.
Candace Nassar (16:08)
You know.
Candace Nassar (16:15)
Yeah, yeah. I can totally relate. I homeschooled my kids when they were early elementary. you know, there were times when you can’t book learning, you can spend a couple hours a day on that and that’s all you can do. And then there’s so many other ways they get educated, right? And so I love.
Ali Gilkeson (16:29)
Yeah.
Ali Gilkeson (16:35)
totally. I mean, games was a huge part for us, particularly for my kids math. even card games like they learned their numbers by playing cards and what was bigger than this and what was greater than this and dice and all of that stuff. was like things that we could travel with that didn’t take up a lot of room and then like running merch. know, they learned their coins and their change. like the class. It’s wild.
Candace Nassar (16:50)
love that.
Candace Nassar (16:55)
yes, there’s so, see, that’s what I’m talking about.
Ali Gilkeson (17:01)
so much practical application. but again, that was a lot of the stress I think we carry as mothers of like, am I doing this right? Am I doing this perfect? Is this the way everyone else is doing it? And you have to come to the point of going, it doesn’t matter because when you are, your stress is down and you’re feeling fulfilled in your life that really pours into your kids. And so
You know, I had to let go of like, well, people say they’re sitting down for three hours a day. I’m like, no, we got 32 minutes in today. We’re doing great. OK, let’s go do something else.
Candace Nassar (17:34)
You know, that is so good. I mean, we see so often that the mom guilt of feeling like there’s this perfect, thing out there that we’re supposed to model as a mom. And God chose every single one of us for the children He has given to us, you know? And so when we can rest in that, that is so, it just helps the overwhelmed feeling just go away.
Ali Gilkeson (17:59)
totally, totally, totally. I think we always talk, we talked with this in a round a lot of comparison is the thief of joy. And that’s, it’s so huge in motherhood because you go to the park and you see what other kids are able to do and you’re going, my kid, or, you know, there’s a, I remember, cause Arthur loved books, but he struggled reading until like just a couple of years ago. And I was like, how is this possible?
I’d be like see other kids to sit and reading books and like my son can’t do that and that made homeschool tricky because I couldn’t be like hey do page four to eight I had to sit there and be like this is what it’s asking you to do and then you know it all works out now he’s reading The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings you know and he’s 12 and so it’s but at the time I was just looking at what other kids could do and going well how are you teaching your kid what am I doing wrong you know and it’s like it’s not that’s not it we’re all
Candace Nassar (18:31)
Mmm.
Ali Gilkeson (18:48)
where we’re meant to be, with who we’re meant to be, and things just happen in their own time. Yeah.
Candace Nassar (18:52)
Such a good perspective. Absolutely. Well, I could just keep talking. It’s so interesting, but let’s talk a little bit about your book because it just, first of all, My Lighthouse is probably one of your most well-known songs from Rend Collective. And then you chose to write that book. So what inspired you?
Ali Gilkeson (18:56)
Yeah.
you
You
Mm-hmm. Yes.
Ali Gilkeson (19:11)
Yeah, so I mean, the song was just, was huge and we saw it connect with people of all ages from young kids. We would get videos in, from schools assemblies like doing the actions or VBS camps. And it was just wonderful. We were then at the time writing a kids album called Sparkle Pop Rampage, which if you haven’t listened to and you’re in a mum and you’re in the car with your kids and you need something that’s not going to make you go mad.
It’s really, it’s a good time. And I was like, I would love some more kids content to go along with this. And we were like, why don’t, don’t someone, think was the lead singer, Chris was like, why don’t you try and write a kids book? Like you love stories, you love telling stories. Try that. And I was like, okay. And then I did that.
So the first book is called My Lighthouse and it’s about a little boy called Finn, who doesn’t like his house because it’s so different and it’s round and looks silly and so sets off on an adventure and in his little rowboat and you know comes to realize it’s his house that’s guiding every ship, boat, canoe safe to shore and that it’s really special and it’s a book just about teaching kids and every human who reads it going you know there’s a constant light that’s always shining in your life and no matter what storms come no matter what happens around you it’s consistent and it will always shine and it’s really just up to us whether we decide to follow it or not if we let it lead us safely home safe to shore but it’s always there and so that’s what that that story was really about just teaching kids you know there’s times you’re going to be afraid there’s times you’re it feels uncertain that you know struggles come and hard times come but the light of God always shines
and doesn’t go out and you can have confidence and trust that it’s there and it’s guiding you home. And then the second book, Keeping the Light, just came out last month and it’s just a sequel on where Finn decides to take control of the lighthouse that he thinks he can run it a little bit better than his dad. And that as different vessels come in to the shore, he decides, do they deserve the light or do they not? Because we could save energy.
Ali Gilkeson (21:18)
And so it’s just a real story about, you know, we’re called the shine our light no matter what, you know, and there’ll be people that come along that will make you want to hide your light that you think it’s too scary to shine right now or I can’t be who I am or they won’t understand. And it’s like, no, this light is grace. This love is for everyone and we’re just keeping it. It’s it’s from something and someone much greater, but it’s up to us to to let it shine. And so.
Candace Nassar (21:19))
Mmm.
Ali Gilkeson (24:34.816)
I just love it. I worked with an amazing illustrator, Lee Wildish. just, the books I feel are stunning. And so I wanted to write books really, and it was honestly with the heart of Pixar, which was like, they created movies that the whole family could enjoy that brought connection. And it was the same for me. I was like, I want to write a book that when your kid picks it off the shelf that you’re like,
Candace Nassar (21:53)
They are. I agree.
Ali Gilkeson (22:14)
Yes! We got a good one tonight! It doesn’t last too long, the images are beautiful and there’s something that you can talk about afterwards and discuss and maybe just spark a little bit of conversation. So that’s what I love about it.
Candace Nassar (22:28)
That is so great. can’t, my family, we, I’m into books big time and I raised my kids on books and I saved a lot of those books from when they were younger because now I have grandchildren and it’s just the best to be able to share with them. So I’m looking forward to grabbing a copy of each of those. They sound fantastic. And yes, I checked them out and they, I love the illustrations. So it’s really cool. So excellent, excellent job.
Ali Gilkeson (22:30)
Yeah.
Ali Gilkeson (22:36)
Yes!
Ali Gilkeson (22:40)
It’s the best.
Candace Nassar (25:48.885)
okay. So, if you could go back and tell yourself one truth as a younger mom, what would, what would you say?
Ali Gilkeson (23:04)
Mm-hmm.
Ali Gilkeson (223:06)
I would say, Ali, it’s okay to ask for help and to receive help. I feel like I really wanted to be the be-all and end-all and I wanted people to look at me and go, wow, look at what she does, she does it all. She tours, she mothers, she’s homeschooling and something within me really struggled asking for help because it was seen as…
maybe weakness or that I didn’t have it and if I had learned much earlier this is this is not weak at all like you’re gonna be a much better mother if you just ask for help and even receive help I remember there was times people were like I’ll take the kids for an aerobic no no no no I got it I got it it’s fine or let me can I I’ll pick up your kids from school so you don’t have to no no no no that’s it that’s a hassle I got it I got it say yes
Candace Nassar (23:49)
Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm.
Ali Gilkeson (23:59)
Thank you so much. That would be great. Because even the little moments of getting 30 minutes to yourself and you don’t even, and you don’t have to be productive in those 30 minutes. can look at a wall and breathe. Yeah, that was, that’s what I would say. And I think it’s a huge thing in this day and age. There’s still a lot of like, you have to be the be all and end all and have it together and make Instagram look like your life’s perfect and your kids are dressed really well.
Candace Nassar (23:59)
that’s good.
Candace Nassar (224:09)
Yes.
Ali Gilkeson (24:26)
good my all the things and asking and having a little bit of help and if you can afford help as well just get it even if you’re book a sitter to like so you can go for a walk or sometimes I would get um some someone to come and they would be like hey you’re not watching my kids I want you to still like clean up the kitchen fold the laundry do this because I want to be the fun one with my kids today I want to be the one that like takes them to the park or
Candace Nassar (24:52)
Hello there.
Ali Gilkeson (24:55)
plays the game, so just does something out of the ordinary. But we can’t do it all. so, yeah, asking for help and being able to receive it is big.
Candace Nassar (25:05)
That’s so good. I see that so often, is that we think, and there’s a lot of pride in that, honestly, you know, and, and that control desire for control, but that is such a lie from the enemy that we can do it all because we can’t. And moms are so exhausted to the point where the surgeon general has recently put out something about how parents, it’s a public health crisis, actually the exhaustion of parents today.
Ali Gilkeson (25:11)
Yeah, yeah.
Ali Gilkeson (25:19)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Candace Nassar (25:33)
And so much of it comes because we feel like we’ve got to do it all. We have to have control over it all. We have to make everything look Instagram perfect. Our kids have to be in all these things. And really, that is just not true.
Ali Gilkeson (25:46)
I remember the pressure of even like showing up to church on Sunday morning and you would see all these moms coming in and their kids were dressed so good and their hair was done and their makeup was done. I’m like, how did you do this? You know, but again, that’s there’s something in that of going like they get to walk in and feel like look what I did. I’m going, it’s just not real. It’s just not real. Like
the fights that you had in the morning, the amount of times you probably shouted at your kids to get ready or to give you time for you to get ready, like let’s just be ourselves. Like it’s okay to show up with messy hair and one eye done, one eye not done. Like it’s okay, that’s what the church should be about, you know? So that would just be my little thing.
Candace Nassar (26:24)
That’s so good.
Candace Nassar (26:28)
I love that. Thank you for sharing that so much. So as we close, what encouragement would you offer to moms who feel like their current season is unstable, whether because of big life changes or job shifts or just a whirlwind of family life? What would you say to that mom?
Ali Gilkeson (26:49)
Yeah, I would say it’s going to get better that you’re in a season. Sometimes it feels like when you’re in a dark place, like that this is it for for the rest of time and it’s not. I would say learn to process what you’re feeling, learn to communicate what you’re feeling. And in really hard times, I think a lot of times we try and like shield that from our kids to think.
Well, I’m not going to tell them what’s going on. Like I’ll be on edge, but I’m not going to let them know. Kids can feel it. They can feel when times are hard. They can feel when you’re stressed. They can feel when things aren’t right. And a big thing for me was when we went through a really hard time was I would be like, Hey kids, mom’s having a really hard day today. I’m sorry if I’m a bit short or if I I need 10 minutes in my room just by myself. it just makes them aware of going, Oh,
this is what I’m feeling this weirdness in the room or in the house it’s validated it’s not like trying to brush things under the carpet and your kids are left wondering a mum saying everything’s fine but it definitely feels weird and they have this conflict of what they’re feeling and what their reality is and so when you’re going through a day or a time or a season and you’re just like I don’t I don’t got it today sometimes I’ll literally say to my kids I am so tired today
So, you know, I’m gonna go lie down for 20 minutes. You guys can watch the show and when it’s done, I’ll be ready to go back in. But I’m just feeling really tired or sorry I shouted at you there. I was just feeling not really myself today. There’s days where you don’t feel like yourself. so they, mom knows she’s not acting her normal way. And I am addressing it and making it known that we’re both on the same page.
So exactly.
Candace Nassar (28:29)
And you’re modeling that too for them so that they learn how to process when they’re not feeling well and how to respond and instead of trying to make seem like everything is great and then losing it, right? You’re trying to get there before you you’re you’re stopping before you get there.
Ali Gilkeson (28:46)
Yes, and there is, I mean there’s obviously boundaries to that. Like, I don’t invite my kids into the integral complex things that are going on. You know, they don’t need to know the details of things, but they just need to be aware, like, I know what you’re feeling. I see what you’re feeling in the house. There’s a lot of stress going on. And sometimes when we’re stressed, we need to do this or you need to do that. And you know, now my son’s, he’s so brilliant…
He needs his personal space, which was always interesting when you’re on a bus full of people. And we’d be like, Arthur, do you need some personal time? He’s like, yeah, that’s what it is. I’m feeling so overwhelmed with company, especially his younger brother. We’re like, OK, you can go into your bunk and pull your curtains and read or play with Legos or just have some time. And when you’re ready, come out and things will be better. And it’s just little practices.
Candace Nassar (29:34)
So good, so good. Is there a Bible verse that’s grounding you right now?
Ali Gilkeson (29:38)
Yeah, for me the longest time was always John 15, about the whole image of the vine and you know drawing close to God and he will draw near to you and I love that promise of like when you’re pursuing God, when you’re like whatever that looks like, if it’s a mess, if it’s straight, if it’s whatever you know because sometimes in the busyness you’re going did I but it’s like in the mundane we can pursue him and he promises that he’s close.
And I feel like the closeness of God in our lives as mothers, even when you feel like you’re feeling so bad, they’re like, if I draw close to you, you’re going to draw close to me. You’re not going to punish me or run from me or hide from me. You’re going to come close. And I I love that so much. And particularly within motherhood as well. It’s like, I send my kids no matter.
Candace Nassar (30:21)
Beautiful, really.
Ali Gilkeson (30:27)
What’s going on, no matter what you’ve done or what you’re doing or however you’ve maybe messed up. If you come close to me, I’m coming close to you. I’m not, I’m not afraid of who you are, of what you’ve done. Like I will always come close to you. and I just, I just modeled that from the promise of God and let us love it.
Candace Nassar (30:38)
Hmm.
Candace Nassar (30:43)
So good. Such a great conversation, Allie. Thank you so much. It’s been great to get to know you and hear your story and all your wisdom and all that you’ve learned and that God has taught you. Really, really great. Thank you for sharing.
Ali Gilkeson (30:46)
Yes.
Ali Gilkeson (30:54)
Yeah, thank you so much for having me. It’s my pleasure.
Candace Nassar (30:55)
You bet. Talk to you soon, Bye.
Ali Gilkeson (30:59)
A decisive fight.