When you ask people what love means to them, you can find answers such as love is security, indescribable, respect, commitment, patience and other nice and comforting words. Although, I don’t think I have encountered many people who will relate love with discipline. As I went through the challenges of disciplining my children when they were little, I had to take a look at what God says about discipline before diving into all the resources the world has to offer.
It is very easy sometimes to mix the terms discipline and punishment– at least it was for me –especially when well-intended loving people were giving me different ideas of it. I looked in the dictionary and it described discipline as a way to train or develop by instruction and exercise, especially in self control. This was fascinating, as most of the Christian resources defined discipline as the virtue that allows a person to exercise self control– a fruit of the Spirit. And more fascinating was to see that the Lord sees discipline as a gift of His love.
For the Lord disciplines the one He loves.
Hebrews 12:6
When my husband and I started looking into what it means to discipline our children in the way that will bring them closer to God and reflect his character, we started to change the way we enforced the family rules and values in our household. The main focus must be God’s word as we see in 2 Timothy 3:16.
All scripture is God-breathed and it is useful for teaching, correction and training in living righteously.
2 Timothy 3:16
God is a loving father and He shows us in scripture that through discipline and consequences we come back to him; we grow as a person and in our relationship with our Lord.
I am convinced that in showing love to our children, we need to learn how to discipline them. To know that it goes beyond looking good at the supermarket, family reunion, or at school. It’s also about nurturing their hearts to repentance and a relationship with God.
Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death.
Proverbs 19:18
In setting the standard for discipline in our house, we had to evaluate three aspects of it. The motive for the discipline or consequence, the goal of it, and the means. In a practical way, we had to establish, why are we going to take the hard route of taking the time to train our children to become more like Jesus? Where does it take us as a family and individuals? and what are going to be the tools we are going to use in enforcing it?
As I am writing this, I am reminded that it takes effort, time and lots of grace and mercy. It might be tough, but don’t get discouraged! The Lord will equip you as he did to us. And you will see that it was worth it when they are older. I asked my teenage girl how she felt about the way we approach discipline and it was encouraging to hear that even when she didn’t like it at that moment, she can see that those little corrections when she was little, were training her for her future, and what she had learned kept her from dangers in High School.
So, I would like to share with you the strategy we used when correcting and disciplining our kids.
I feel like we need step 0, that is, take a deep breath and call on Jesus to help you– For me to repeat His name as I breathe helps me. We need to make sure that when we discipline them, we are not pouring onto them our own frustration, fears or anger. It’s about teaching them.
- Seek and talk to your kids. The first thing that God did after the fall, was to call for Adam and Eve.(Genesis 3:9). Give your children the opportunity to tell you the reason behind their actions. You don’t have to agree with them, but just listen to them. We all like to be given the opportunity to explain ourselves after we sin. With this, you will get a better picture of what was happening in their minds, find some triggers for behaviors or hurt feelings.
- Extend compassion. Most of the time, I remind my kids that I love them and that is why I need to discipline them, that in my love for them, I can not see them going out of the boundaries that we have set to keep them safe. You can say something like “I understand how you feel, but we can’t respond that way”. Just acknowledge their emotions before enforcing the rules.
- Communicate the consequences or next steps. This can sound controversial, but I believe that sometimes a measure of punishment or consequence is necessary for young children in concrete ways. That is why I like the term consequences better than punishment in my house. Every action has a natural consequence and we try to teach our kids about them.
For example, when they went out without their gloves in the middle of the winter storm, the natural consequence was that their hands were going to be really cold. And I could see how that was a painful consequence for them, but they learn quickly to not forget their gloves.
For us the consequence was always age appropriate and if possible reflect the natural implication of their actions. We used to say “If you don’t eat your lunch, you’ll be hungry, because there is not dessert or snack if you don’t finish lunch”
- Be willing to make hard, uncomfortable or unpopular decisions. Sometimes we need to ignore the outside world and focus on the training we are doing with our kids. This might require– as we did– to have a conversation with grandparents and friends about the ways we discipline; so we don’t have to compromise our values or rules when we are outside our house.
- Follow through. It has been my motto to always do what I say. And my kids learned from early on that if I promise them something, it will happen. In the same way they learned that if I told them that they will have a consequence, they could count on it. I will call my friends and explain to them that my kids will not be able to join the playdate, because they missbehaved or did not follow house rules that day. Believe me those days were not fun, but they were less and less, as they learned that mom and dad will follow through the consequences.
My advice, when telling your kids what the consequence will be for a particular behavior, don’t promise something that you are not willing to fulfill. Take the time to think about what is a natural repercussion that you are willing to enforce.
Be encouraged in knowing that the Lord will equip you with what you need, that we as parents don’t get it right 100% of the time, that your children will feel safe in an environment where boundaries are set and rules are enforced, and as you train them, they will gain that self control and will reflect the love that you pour into them.
At MomQ we believe that motherhood is a calling from God. While it is both a privilege and an honor, it is by no means easy! Moms have a lot of questions/concerns and need caring support along their journey. Whether you are a brand new mom or a little more seasoned, MomQ is here to help you fulfill your God given role. Don’t see a group in your area? Contact us today about starting one in your community!
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