Candace Nassar
Hello, everyone, and Happy New Year. I hope you had a wonderful, rich Christmas celebration with your families and that you’re refreshed and ready to start the new year. Today I have with me the wise and thoughtful Annie Mendrala. Annie is a member of our MomQ teaching team and she just completed her Master of Biblical and Theological Studies degree from Dallas Theological Seminary. Congratulations on that.
Annie Mendrala
Thank you.
Candace Nassar
Such an accomplishment. Way to go, girl. Our podcast theme for the month of January is renewal. As you know, at the beginning of a new year, we tend to reflect on the past year, what went well or what didn’t, and we think about how we want to grow, change and do better in the new one. It’s a great practice and it seems so natural to us. Today Annie and I are going to have a conversation about why that is and give you some thoughts to focus on in the year ahead. Thanks for joining Annie, I really appreciate it.
Annie Mendrala
Thanks for having me.
Candace Nassar
Oh, yeah. I know you’ve been busy traveling and with your family, so I really appreciate you carving out time for this. This whole thing today evolved out of a conversation you and I had about renewal and what that really means for us as Christians. And you mentioned that there are rhythms of renewal that God has built into us. As we were talking and you were telling me the why and the how of this, I got so excited and realized that we just need to kick off our series with you, sharing your insight with our listeners. So, we’re going to have this great conversation. But before we get started, why don’t you share with everyone and I’ll share a little, too, how your Christmas went.
Annie Mendrala
Well, Christmas was fun. I had all my boys home and so that’s always really special to have the kids back together. We spent some time in New Mexico with my family, just eating a lot of sugar, hiking and sleeping late.
Candace Nassar
That goes together well. Eating sugar and hiking.
Annie Mendrala
I know, and let’s just say all our rhythms were out of whack because we were sleeping late.
Candace Nassar
That’s what the holidays are for. That’s a good point. That’s one of the reasons why I think everybody likes January’s restart because we are so out of whack.
Annie Mendrala
Right? I’m like, I just need to be alone right now.
Candace Nassar
Oh, gosh. No, I hear you. Yeah, mine was good, too. Of course, you have kids that are still in school, college and whatnot, so you have a little bit of extra time with them. Mine are all working, so they’ve gone back into their lives and are getting ready to start work again.
All right, so we’re going to talk, but let’s start with a word of prayer. Annie, I’m going to ask you to open us in prayer.
Annie Mendrala
Great. I want to just invite all our moms and all our listeners out there to just stop what you’re doing. Just take a moment as we reflect on rhythms. What does that look like from a biblical view? Right now, let’s just go to our Lord in prayer.
Heavenly Father, you’re so good to us. You’re so faithful and loving, and you’re so patient. Lord God, we praise you, that you are a God of renewal, of redemption, of restoration. A God of hope, Lord. That there is nothing that we have done, there is no sin too far, that you cannot redeem us from, God. Right now, in this conversation between Candace and I, Lord, we just pray that your words would be spoken and that
our listeners would be encouraged, that you would help each of us see the way that we need to renew rhythm and trust and depend on you. We invite you into this space with us now. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
Candace Nassar
Amen. Great. Okay, so when we started this talk, you were saying to me that the Bible is clear that God has created our world with rhythms and how he has made them important. Can you share some of that with us?
Annie Mendrala
Yeah. Well, it’s just right at the beginning of the book, right? We see the creation event, seven days of creation, and in it we see day and night. That’s one of our very practical rhythms. Each day, the sun rises. So far, as long as I’ve lived, it’s rising and it’s setting. During the day, we get hungry a couple of times and that reminds us we need to eat. Then at night, we get tired, and we go to sleep. So those are some basic rhythms.
Also, there is a rhythm within the tides. I love watching the ocean. I just love watching the water go out and in and out and in. I just think how crazy that God is able to keep the ocean from overtaking the land by just that rhythm of high tide and low tide. Then, we have the rhythm of our seasons. Right now, we’re in winter. Things are dormant or appear to be, yet God is preparing them for spring, where new life will come about. The flowers will emerge, the bees will start pollinating, then the fruit, then harvest again, and then winter again.
Candace Nassar
Yeah, and the predictability of that is just really calming.
Annie Mendrala
Yes. I’ve been studying a lot about attachment theory in psychology, and there’s this idea of how predictability in our life is really important for secure attachment in our younger years of life. God in his greatness, gave us predictability in his creation to remind us that we are secure and that we’re cared for through him. The other day I was thinking about ways that God has called us to renewal, these rhythms of renewal, and I thought of the daily bread idea. When Jesus taught us how to pray, part of the Lord’s prayer is, โgive us this day our daily breadโ. We often understand that as every day, God, you provide. However, I was reading something that linked the original audience that heard that prayer back to what happened to the Israelites when it came to the manna in the wilderness. They had gone from slavery in Egypt to this wilderness adventure for 40 years of wondering as they were waiting to go into the promised land. As they were in the wilderness, they started to get hungry and complain.
In Exodus, scripture says that the Lord tells Moses, โI’m going to rain bread from heaven for you, and the people are going to go out every day and gather enough for that day.โ He said, โIn that way, I will test them to see whether or not they will follow my instructions, because on the 6th day, when preparing what they will bring in, it will be twice as much as they will gather.โ So basically, God was saying, all right, every day you go out and get enough for that day. On the 6th day, you get twice as much so that they would have it for the Sabbath. What is interesting is if they gathered too much, it would rot and it would go bad. But miraculously, on that 7th day, it would stay good. God was testing them in the sense of, do you trust me? Do you trust that I’ll provide? That natural rhythm of a daily waking up, gathering what we need from God and letting him provide that manna was a sign that he’s going to provide no matter what. If we try to store up too much, if itโs not from God, it’s going to rot and rust and decay.
Candace Nassar
So true, yeah. On the Sabbath they were to rest, and rest not only physically, but rest in God and just renewing their knowledge of him. They would just pour all their energy into him and spending time with the scriptures or family.
Annie Mendrala
You know what’s interesting? It was a communal day. It wasn’t just a day of rest for yourself, like, go to the spa and get a massage and be alone. It was like, gather your people together and celebrate God’s faithfulness. We can look back to six days prior and trace the hand of God and see how he worked in our lives and how he provided just in the week before. There’s enough in one week versus even the years past. So, yeah, this idea of communal, in which that Lord’s prayer was meant for a corporate audience to pray together. So together we pray, and we ask God.
That reminds me of another rhythm, is the rhythm of solitude and the rhythm of community. Jesus himself, he withdrew to a mountain to pray. He went alone, then He rejoined the people, then He withdrew to fill up, and then He went back with the people. Itโs the same with us. That’s part of our rhythms, we do need to be alone. Maybe that’s why the night comes, the darkness comes, we sleep, we have time alone, things quiet, then the day awakens and here we are again. We’re back at it.
Candace Nassar
Yeah, and having that time to reset in solitude is critical. As we know, itโs what Jesus taught. That’s really good. Love that. Okay, so the next thing I wanted to talk about was, you said that rhythms require boundaries. So, what do you mean by that and why is that important?
Annie Mendrala
Yeah, I was doing some study, I was reading Henry Cloud’s book Boundaries again. To remind myself, what are my boundaries? Something he says is, to reclaim rhythms, we must set boundaries. So, I’ve
been thinking about that. Why do we need boundaries for rhythms? Itโs because boundaries keep us from the extremes. We either go all or nothing. What did you say earlier?
Candace Nassar
Oh, gosh. Well, I’ve had that problem my whole life. I never was good at setting or holding my boundaries. So, I go through these cycles of purging everything that I’m doing because I’m burned out. Then I stop doing things and then little by little, I add things back. I had to learn about 20 years ago to pray, โLord, show me what to say yes toโ. Because I would joke that I had helium hands and you’re like, what are helium hands? So, this is where someone says, โwe need help with blah, blah, blahโ and my hand would just float up and raise. It’s like, oh, I can do that. Sure, I’m ready for that. The next thing you know, I’ve got way too many things on my plate and I’m getting exhausted again. Thatโs exactly what you’re talking about.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah, those boundaries. I love the helium hands. I’m going to write that in my journal as one of my weekly goals. Maybe you can hold me accountable to that because yeah, those boundaries, we must have boundaries on our time, right? We only have so much time. It’s truly finite. It’s not a renewable resource. The older my kids get, that has become more and more apparent. The old saying, โthe days are long, but the years are shortโ is true. That is truth. We must have boundaries that show us where I end and where others begin. Thatโs hard in motherhood, I think, because we’re providing for their needs when they’re first born. I mean, literally, they can do nothing without us, but slowly we have to release our children. What does that look like? Sometimes that’s really scary, honestly. Boundaries sometimes are scarier for us than others, but they keep us safe. They help us avoid extremes and boundaries set responsibility and access lines. So, I’m responsible to others, but I’m responsible for myself.
I love Galatians 6, it talks about carrying one another’s burdens. Those are the things of life that are really heavy. Some people struggle with this idea of boundaries, thinking, is this biblical or not. and it’s like, yes, it is. There are times that we’re called to come alongside and help others in their extreme circumstances.
Such as a difficult health diagnosis, the loss of a child, a divorce, or any number of things that are just really heavy, like boulders on your shoulder. Then, the verse goes on to say, but everyone needs to watch out for their own work and be responsible for their own load. We each have a little backpack to carry around and we’ve got to take care of that. So that’s where our boundaries come into place. What’s in my backpack? Where do I need to take responsibility for me and then what is my responsibility to others?
Candace Nassar
So that really makes me think about self-care, because a lot of women have a tendency to care for everyone else and put themselves at the bottom of the totem pole to the point where they’re burned out and exhausted. What you’re talking about really is helping us set our priorities.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah. Because what do we do? It’s really easy to want to care for everyone else but then what about your husband or your own children? Sometimes, because we’re seeking approval from those around us, that’s just our codependent nature, we think how can I help everybody else be okay? I want to be the hero in the story, but I lose the sight of the fact that Iโve got a load to carry. We need to make sure that our priorities are in line.
Candace Nassar
Absolutely, and have the discipline to hold those boundaries when people are going to push back on those. Thatโs hard to do.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah, I love the story in the Boundaries book where he talks about the story of the good Samaritan and how the priest and the Levite go by and they just see the guy on the ground and leave him there. Then the Samaritan comes by and picks him up and takes him to the inn and gets him a doctor and leaves some money and says, โI’ll be back in a couple of days to check on him, take care of him, here’s some moneyโ. He says, the wrong attitude would be if the Samaritan guy picks him up, takes him to the inn, says, โokay, all right, I’ll be back in a couple of daysโ and the guy says โno, don’t leave me. I can’t be alone.โ That’s where we have to decipher what’s healthy and what’s unhealthy.
Candace Nassar
Right.
Annie Mendrala
Because as Christians, we are called to community, but we’re also called to shoulder our own responsibility.
Candace Nassar
Yeah, that’s good. Why is this important? I think we’ve pretty much addressed that, so that we have enough left to do the things that we need to be doing, things that God has called us to as moms. Our primary ministry is in our home with our husband and our children.
Annie Mendrala
Absolutely.
Candace Nassar
We tend to want that approval, like you’re saying, so it’s really important that for us to have healthy rhythms in our life, it makes me think of margin. Right? I mean, you hear that word and it took me a long time also to figure out that if I’m going to have a good rhythm, I’m going to have to have some margin in my life.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah.
Candace Nassar
It’s all kind of interdependent.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah. I hear a lot of moms and myself feeling just stressed out or burdened, and God just showed me the picture of do I feel like I have boulders on my back? If I do, I’m probably not living in the boundaries that God designed for me. My rhythms are out of whack, and I need to renew. I need to go back, evaluate and see what I am carrying that is not mine to carry. God is clear in the Word, he says he will not give us more
than we can handle and what he does give us, he’s going to help us carry. So, renewing the rhythm is so important to reestablish the tempo that God desires for us.
Candace Nassar
You have some great examples of people in the Bible that were able to do that or that needed to do that. Why don’t you talk about one of those?
Annie Mendrala
Yeah. Itโs interesting when your boundaries get out of whack or when life gets out of order. My biggest encouragement for moms and for all of us is that we would never feel like it’s too late to renew. We just look back at Adam and Eve. I mean, instantly, quickly in the garden, they sinned and they fell short. God said, I’m sorry, but now I’m going to have to cast you out of the garden. But he didn’t leave them with that. He said, you’re going to have to leave the garden, but I’m going to provide clothes and I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to stay with you in this new sense and there was a new rhythm to that life even then. That goes on to the story of Cain and Abel and where Cain kills his brother Abel. You would think at that point, God would say, I’m done with you. However, even with Cain, even in his disobedience, God showed grace and mercy by protecting him from the people that he thought would kill him.
The other rhythm that’s interesting is Noah and the flood. You have this catastrophic event that occurs, and after almost a year’s worth of water on the earth, it all recedes and it says that the rhythms of life renew that seed, time and harvest come back.
Candace Nassar
Yeah. It’s so beautiful.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah.
Candace Nassar
So, God starts it over.
Annie Mendrala
He does. He can take the most catastrophic events of life and renew our rhythms back to the design that he has.
Candace Nassar
Itโs never too late.
Annie Mendrala
It’s never too late.
Candace Nassar
Yeah. And that is the whole point of this new year. As we look down the road, what do we want to change? It’s never too late.
Annie Mendrala
It’s never too late.
Candace Nassar
I love that, can you give us some examples? You said there’s activities that we want to make sure are supporting the mission and vision of our family, what do you mean by that? In terms of setting our rhythms.
Annie Mendrala
Oh, yeah. Part of setting our rhythms is looking at our calendar. The calendar is a pretty big rhythm. If we don’t have margin on that calendar, if we take every day and we fill every time slot, we are going to be so burnt out.
Candace Nassar
I have such a good example of that.
Annie Mendrala
Tell me.
Candace Nassar
I retired a year and a half ago, and I played a lot of tennis when I was younger. I decided when I retired, that was one of the things I really wanted to do, was get back into tennis. However, I also am running a ministry, teaching in that ministry and taking a class through our church. This fall, I woke up one day and I didn’t have enough margin, and I was just burned out. Something had to go. The one thing that was the easiest to cut was tennis. I had made some friends, I’m an empty nester, my kids are gone, and it seemed like this was going to fit in really well. It didn’t. That was when I kind of learned a new lesson that just because something can fit on my calendar doesn’t mean that it should fit on my calendar. When I looked at my calendar I thought, I can play tennis these days and then I can teach these days and take the class this day. Then before I knew it, my calendar was completely full. Anyway, that’s my example.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah. No, it’s amazing. My husband and I, a couple of years ago, shut down our business. Suddenly, I was at the same kind of spot where I have all this extra time. Itโs so true how quickly we can fill our time with things that are good and fun. Tennis is a good thing, it’s healthy and itโs good to be physically active. People don’t tell you it’s going to take 20 hours a week. We’re not low achieving women. If we’re going to do something, we’re going to do it all the way.
Candace Nassar
That’s an issue.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah. As moms, it’s really important because not only do you have your schedule, your husband’s schedule, and however many kids you have, the calendar gets full. You must decide, at the beginning of
the year, what are your priorities? What are your values? What are the things you really want to protect. If the spiritual life of your family is important, it’s going to be important to protect Sundays. There are so many things that are encroaching on Sundays, and they’re not bad things, but they will steal that time away.
Candace Nassar
You have to set those priorities like we’re talking about and just making sure that everything that you take on you pray through it, talk to your husband about it, or if you’re not married, some mentor in your life. Just because your kids want to play on the soccer, baseball, and football team all at once doesn’t mean that’s the right thing for them. You have to make those calls. And that’s all part of renewing and setting boundaries so that our rhythms can be protected.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah, and I think back to that idea of secure and healthy attachment in your home. Having some established rhythms will help bring security in the home, because when they don’t have that, you have rhythms of chaos. Rhythms of: wake up early, get the food in, run out the door, hop on the bus or drive them to school, then you pick them up, change in the car, go to the activity, hurry up, drive through Chick fil-A and have dinner, hurry up, get home, do the homework, hurry up, get in bed. That chaos becomes the normal and that’s confusing to kids.
Candace Nassar
That is just not healthy, emotionally and physically.
Annie Mendrala
No, that’s called disorganized attachment. It’s very unpredictable and it’s chaotic and it’s not good.
Candace Nassar
What are we doing that for anyway? Why? Because everyone else does it? Because we’re trying to make our kids happy instead of making sure they’re raised to know and love Jesus? I mean, there’s just so many things that can get in the way of that.
Annie Mendrala
My sister is a pediatric provider and I was asking her, because she was with young moms all the time, what do you see is going on? We talked about it, and moms are taking their kids to daycare, so while they’re at daycare, they can just do more and more and then pick them up. We just want to keep adding more and we were joking because more is really not more. It’s less is more. The less we do, the more we are available for the emotional, physical, spiritual needs of our family and of ourselves.
Candace Nassar
I’ve learned that, absolutely. Let’s review the steps of healthy rhythms.
Annie Mendrala
To get a healthy rhythm, we need to start by looking back. Evaluate the year behind you, your successes and your failures. Think through your stress level, the busyness level, and then think about the laughter levels. Honestly, I try to flip through pictures and I think, where have we been and who was in those
pictures? What were we doing? What was the focus of our time? Am I just taking pictures of my kids at their activities, or are we taking pictures of us as a family, doing just normal things, connecting? I would encourage everyone, take some time to look through your photos. I think they tell a story. That’s a great
point. I think that will tell a story every year. Honestly, as I look back at photos I think, why am I not in any of these pictures? Because I was always taking the picture. I was in control, and I don’t want a bad picture of me so I just take them. I realized,I need to hand the camera to somebody else and say, would you take
a picture of me with my kids or me with my husband? Why don’t I have more pictures with my husband? Because he’s become less of a priority. The pictures are of my kids, it tells a story.
Candace Nassar
Yeah.
Annie Mendrala
So that’s the awareness. Then I would say, look ahead and think about what you want to capture in those photos in the year ahead. What would you like to see? Change, maybe. What would you like to keep? What are your expectations, such as people you want to add, places you want to spend more time. Just being intentional about what’s ahead will give you hope for change, because we all know that if you don’t do anything different, nothing’s going to change. While we look back and we look ahead, what we have today is that daily bread. I would say we need to set boundaries. We want to figure out our own self-care routine. Always, we start with ourselves. We can’t change anyone but ourselves. If we change the tempo of our lives, the speed of our day begins from the moment we wake up. I love that if we can find time when we first wake up to worship, to pray, to read the word, to meditate, meaning to chew on it or to ponder it, and to spend some time in praise, that will set a tempo for the day ahead, which will set a tempo for the years ahead. Then, repeat it daily.
Obviously, we need to make sure we’re moving our bodies, eating well, sleeping well, and maintaining that margin.
Candace Nassar
Good.
Annie Mendrala
Prioritize your people by protecting time with your husband, your kids, and time for friends and family is really important.
Candace Nassar
Yeah, that’s that community part.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah. We need community. We’re not meant to do life alone.
Candace Nassar
Yeah. And if you don’t have community in your life, that should really be a priority. Being in the word, having a prayer life and then having that community.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah. So important, that rhythm of solitude and community.
Candace Nassar
We’re definitely not meant to live life alone.
Annie Mendrala
Okay.
Candace Nassar
Yeah, I like how you had said to me this is not a four step program.
Annie Mendrala
Wouldn’t it be nice if somebody could say, all right, here’s the next step. I’m so literal in my thinking. God’s really revealing to me how literal I’ve been most of my life. I just want somebody to say, here’s the things you do, and then you input, input, input and the output will be this. I have a math degree, so I love order. I love things working out perfectly.
Candace Nassar
Yeah, I taught accounting and finance, I get it.
Annie Mendrala
The fact is, that’s just not it. The reality is we need to be aware of how our rhythms are going and recognize when we’re out of step. It’s like a dance. If we’re in a dance and we just keep crashing into our partner or the people around us, maybe something is really out of step. So we need to stop and repent and to change our way, and it can happen real quickly. I’ll walk in a room and I know I get in my controlling self and I start barking orders and then my husband gives me a look and I think, all right, Annie, stop, renew. Iโll say, โI noticed that. I’m sorry I didn’t come in to boss everyone around. There’s some things we need to get done.โ Just give yourself grace to realize. Or, you go through your week and you realize you’re in the car and you’re screaming at your kids and go, whoa, okay, hold on a second. Mommy is a little bit anxious and out of control right now. Let’s all just pray. A lot of times, prayer is a great way to reset.
Candace Nassar
Well, yeah, and that’s what I was going to say. It’s just the key is, as we’re thinking about next year, is spend some serious time in prayer for God to just reveal to you those places and things that you need to change, the rhythms that you need to incorporate, and how you can get there.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah. It’s interesting, what we’re doing is teaching moms about how to have healthy families and every family is so unique and so different. It’s hard to teach and to speak to every need out there.
Candace Nassar
Yeah, we can’t.
Annie Mendrala
But the one who can is God and the Holy Spirit. They know everything.
Candace Nassar
Amen.
Annie Mendrala
Prayer is so important. Then having that community to bounce ideas off of. What works in your family is what’s going to work in your family and what works in my family will work in my family. We can share ideas, and some things just won’t work for me that’ll work for you and vice versa.
Candace Nassar
Sure, and there are seasons.
Annie Mendrala
Yeah, you young mamas with babies, I know when they say, wake up and have a quiet time, it’s like, no. I mean, I used go and have my quiet time during nap time because that was my alone time. I knew I could think. I can’t have any distractions when I’m praying and reading the word. Or or in the morning, I would be anxious about everybody waking up and think, oh, gosh, I need to take a shower before they wake up. So, yeah, the rhythms are different.
Candace Nassar
Yeah, and just as we close, is there anything that we haven’t said or something that you want to share? To encourage our listeners as they try to set their rhythms and put all that into place in this new year.
Annie Mendrala
I think back to some of the shifts in my life where rhythm was unhealthy. I had a friend at one time who required a lot of my time. That pulled me away from my husband and my children and got me talking about things and talking about other people. It kind of sucked me down a path that was violating a lot of my personal boundaries and values. I had to end that friendship. That was very difficult because we spent all our time together. Then, I remember my oldest when he was in elementary school, in fifth grade, and he just started having all kinds of struggles emotionally. I realized God just said, hey, we have to do something different with his school, this is not working. I had to really be open to changing that rhythm that we were so established in, that this was how we were going to do school for the next twelve years, and God changed that.
Then we came to a season of having to shut down our business. It was like, well, this is what we’re going to do, we’re going to run this business and we’ll retire at this age. God just revealed, hey, your rhythms are really unhealthy. It’s time to let this go. With each transition, as you sense your rhythms maybe getting off, just evaluate, is this rhythm off because I’m in an unhealthy pattern? How does God want me to renew this rhythm in a new way that honors him and honors the path that he has me on?
Candace Nassar
Great, Annie, so good. Well, thank you so much. This has been so fun. I am sure inspired and I’m sure that other moms listening are as well. All right, well, let’s just close really quick in prayer and we’ll go from there.
Father, thank you for this time, for the wisdom that you give us, for the model of rhythms that you have given us through your creation. The days, the nights, the Sabbath. That you provide our daily bread and that we can just rest in your goodness and your mercy and that you don’t want us to be stressed out and out of whack and you don’t want us to take on too much. You even tell us in your word to come to you, that your burden is easy and your yoke is light. Lord, I just pray now that each one who has listened to this message today would evaluate and sit with you and spend some time thinking and praying over what changes they need to make in this new year. Thinking about how they can grow and just become more mature in their faith, calm in their family life and peace, and just have those healthy, healthy rhythms that you want for us. We thank you.
Thank you for Annie and her wisdom. We just pray that our listeners would be blessed. In Jesus name, amen.