For some unknown reason, I thought my mastery of self-doubt would end when I became a mom. I now realize how ridiculous that sounds. But I was young, naive, and cautiously optimistic. I’d read the books and attended some classes.
Instead of disappearing, the constant replay in my mind became worse.
I second-guessed what the kids ate for lunch. I wondered if my middle child should be further along in his reading ability. Then, there was the endless sibling rivalry that sometimes turned physical. I’d think, “Didn’t I teach them better than this? Will they ever get along?”
Sometimes the worst critics are the ones running on repeat in our heads.
We teach them to love Jesus, love their neighbor, and show respect. But when we don’t see the fruits of our labor, we question whether anything we say is sinking in. We hear the familiar proverb to “train up a child in the way he should go” but then the meltdown happens. We carry constant guilt, wondering what we’re doing wrong. (Proverbs 22:6) Rather than live in the present, we second-guess the past.
How do we live in the freedom Christ offers us today when we’re stuck in guilt over yesterday? Do we truly believe that the freedom He offers extends to every area of our lives, including motherhood? I believe it does.
In John 8, Jesus speaks about the transforming power His truth has in the lives of those who believe: “To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:31-32 NIV). While true belief must come without always seeing results, sometimes God gives us a glimpse of what He’s doing. He’s gracious, He knows our hearts, and He wants us to know that He sees.
When my oldest son was six, God gave me a push of encouragement along with a wake-up call. In His mercy, He opened my eyes to a beautiful truth: It isn’t all up to me. He is working in the hearts of my kids in ways I never could.
My husband and I were settled into our comfy spots in the family room after tucking the kids in for the night. With the soft glow from the table lamp we read our devotional app and talked about its subject, prayer.
The teaching gave a blueprint. Begin with thanks and repentance, then present your requests to God in Jesus’ name.
As we sat there talking my mind went to our kids. Were we teaching them enough about prayer? My husband, as if reading my inner thoughts, said, “Do you know what our son did tonight?”
“No.” And I secretly wondered if I wanted to.
He thanked God for a good day at school and time playing at home. Then he asked God to place his hand on Coco and heal her.”
Coco, our dog, had been struggling to walk for the last couple of days. At fourteen years and counting, she wasn’t as limber as she used to be.
Listening to my husband describe our son’s prayer, eyes welled up with tears. My firstborn modeled the exact form of prayer Jesus used with his disciples. And he wasn’t thinking of himself. He wasn’t asking for a new Lego set or a video game.
He was coming to God on behalf of our dog.
Even through all my doubt and questioning, God was working in the heart of our son. We were doing what we could do, but God was moving this little seven-year-old’s heart in ways only he could.
When we second-guess the past, we often miss what God is doing in the present.
I’m still learning day-by-day, and here are two things I’m seeing:
The time and love we pour into our kids glorifies God as much as the milestone victories.
No, we may not see fruit right away. We may have to repeat the same lesson a hundred times before it sinks in. But one day, when we least expect it, they will recall something we spent hours trying to teach. And that moment will be worth every night of frustration.
One of the best gifts I can give my kids is being present in their lives.
When they’re trying to talk to me and my mind is somewhere else, they notice. When I worry about tomorrow, my kids worry too. But when I’m fully engaged in the beautiful gift that is right now, they notice in the best possible way.
Parenting is a tough road. There are days when we wonder if anything we are saying or doing is making a difference. In moments of frustration it’s easy to play the past on repeat.
That night, God gave me an invitation to live in the now. To be present with my son as he prayed, grew, and loved. No matter what the future held, I didn’t want to miss it.
Friend, if you’re living in guilt right now, replaying the past in your head, can I offer you some encouragement? Come to God with your heart, your fears, and frustrations. I promise you, He can handle all of it. But don’t stop there. Invite Him into those places where you feel lacking.
Then, as Paul tells us in Colossians, be watchful and thankful. (Colossians 4:2) Even when we can’t see it, He is tending those seeds we sowed in faith. And He will make them grow.
