Candace (00:00)
Welcome, Monica. I’m so glad to have you with us today to share your wisdom and just hard fought experience with raising boys and raising them with good character to fulfill their potential. And I know you’re going to really bless our listeners. So thank you.
monica (00:16)
thank you. I’m so excited for this conversation.
Candace (00:18)
Great. Well, why don’t we start by you just telling our listeners a little bit about your family and what led you to write about raising boys?
monica (00:26)
Yes. Well, you know, you can never predict what’s ahead. I certainly didn’t set out to plan anything that I’m doing today, but God has been so kind. so my husband and I are both from the Pacific Northwest, but we moved to Hawaii 25 years ago for his medical residency program. And by then, I gave birth to our second son like weeks after we moved to Hawaii. And by the time he graduated from residency, we had three boys.
And then a few years later we took a pause and then we had our fourth son. And you know, parenting was not easy for me. I had always imagined it would just be this great party. You know, my mom made it look easy. She was a great mom. She was a stay-at-home mom. I felt like I can do that. But when it really was my turn, it was hard. And I went through some years that were really sanctifying and refining. And I had to
Have some hard moments where I thought, you know, what, what am I doing? Why am I doing it? What matters most? And as I grew and kind of leaned into that question, looking at what’s out there in the world, all the pressures. This was before social media, I will say. And so now God bless any mom who’s trying to start out and figure out her way. But once I started simplifying things, once I started really focusing on faith and character and and getting my eyes off everybody else,
Candace (01:30)
Mm.
monica (01:44)
I found that there was just such a better rhythm, so much more joy, freedom, peace in our home. I mean, it still wasn’t easy. But by the time our fourth son was a little guy, we were homeschooling our older three. And I just decided to start sharing some of the things I’d learned online, through a blog, which was all new territory for me as well.
And that blog kind of just one thing led to the next, and I had some posts go viral and you know it the the things you can never anticipate but that led years later to my first book Boy Mom and you know by then my boys were teenagers my older two were in their teenage years and man life has just been such a a journey and an adventure and again coming back to faith and character again and again my husband being a great leader and just
Candace (02:22)
Mm.
monica (02:46)
God has been kind. So that’s kind of where it all began. And now of course I’ve got these adult children and one teenager still at home. But yeah, we’ve lived a fun life in Hawaii with a lot of surfing, a lot of nature, a lot of simple rhythms and homeschooling life. And I just am really thankful for the opportunity to encourage others and how wherever you are, whatever your life looks like, whether you have boys or girls, just being able to encourage everyone to turn to the Lord, turn to his word and
Candace (03:02)
Mm-hmm.
monica (03:02)
To focus on the things that matter most ’cause you’ll never regret that.
Candace (03:05)
I love that. I love how you talked right at the beginning about just learning to not look around you, but just to look to the Lord. And that is just a constant battle, isn’t it? Yeah. Okay, so was there a particular moment when you realized that this message was something you needed to put into a book?
monica (03:13)
Mm. It’s hard. Yeah.
Mm-hmm. absolutely. Yes.
monica (03:26)
Hmm. I think that when I wrote a simple blog post that was called What Your Teenage Son Needs Most From You. And you know, I typed it out in a couple hours. It wasn’t like I say it wasn’t rocket science. I wasn’t sharing anything brand new, but it was just kind of coming back with some wisdom, some common sense about raising boys, but also what I shared was my joy.
I was able to say, I am enjoying these teenage years. Like this to me was the reward for all the hard work in those earlier years. And when that went out, and within a couple of weeks, or the first week, I think, a couple million people read that blog post. And I was my computer was crashing. I couldn’t even respond to all the emails. And I was like, Okay, I have struck a nerve. What what is it about this post that is really you know.
touching home with people. And what I was hearing over and over was just for one, most of the news, most of the things on social media especially were, enjoy those boys when they’re young because huh, when they hit their teenage years, you’re gonna lose them, they’re gonna rebel, they’re gonna pull away. And I was like, that was not my experience at all.
So I think that hopeful message was one thing. And then also just coming back to some really grounded, common sense messages about what boys need most, just really really resonated with moms who were looking for just more reasonable, hopeful wisdom.
And so that was the beginning when I was like, okay, now what do I do? And I didn’t know what to do right away because I never anticipated that. I just had a little blog before then. But then over the next few years I started to nurture that topic and really learn more, do more research, and that’s when I knew the book needed to happen.
Candace (05:11)
That’s such a great story. I know that also obviously God was burdening your heart to to share with more moms that just to give them that hope. And that’s what you’re talking about. If you can pour in in the younger years. It’s worth those early years. And I I found the same thing. And I didn’t have rebellious teens either. And the older they get, the more we enjoy them. So when you put all that effort in in the beginning, it it certainly does pay off. But it’s
monica (05:34)
Mm-hmm.
Candace (05:38)
Not easy. So I’m so glad.
monica (05:40)
It’s not. And there’s no guarantees. You might do that and still have a rebellious teen, but even then there’s always hope. It’s never too late. And as long as we’re turning back to God’s word, which is the source of all wisdom, then he’s gonna walk with us through every everything we face, good, bad, high, and low.
Candace (05:58)
Excellent point. So thank you for saying that. So what was the heart then behind the Boy Mom Manifesto? Cause I love that. It’s such a great title.
monica (05:59)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
monica (06:07)
Yes. Yes. So at the end of my book, Boy Mom, I have a manifesto. And essentially what I think I was trying to do is I’d written these really twelve chapters on what your son needs most. So, you know, the blog post was about teenage years, but boy mom is really about the whole process of raising up boys. And I wanted to take
the 12 things that I had claimed boys need most from their parents and kind of put it into a manifesto. And I think the heart behind that was that I think moms were more emotional than dads. We’re, you know, it tend to ride by our feelings a lot. And I wanted to just help moms come bring everything together and say, I can decide. I can make a choice for how I approach motherhood.
I can either be led by my feelings and when things are hard I can be down or I can make a choice to say I’m gonna enjoy this. I’m instead of being like, poor me I have all these boys. They’re loud they’re messy they stink instead of that saying hey God gave me this position and I’m gonna own it and I’m gonna run with it. And this is a manifesto that will remind me every day of this high calling because I do think being a boy mom and being a parent in general is a high calling
But it was a way to kind of put everything together and give moms something to look at that they will own, that they’ll be proud of their position, and that they’ll continue to come back to what your sons need most and keeping it simple and keeping it grounded.
Candace (07:30)
I love that. Something they can read almost every day just as a reminder, right? You can put it on your mirror. Very good. So you’ve talked about wanting to speak truth and love and share life authentically, humor included. I know you love you love humor and just keeping things light, which is so important, but how do you hold on to that combination of humor versus truth and love?
monica (07:35)
Yep. Hang it up. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.
monica (07:42)
Mm-hmm.
monica (07:53)
Mm.
Candace (07:55)
When conversations with your kids get hard, which they often do.
monica (08:00)
Hmm. Sure, they they do. And I think that’s one thing that is pretty important for boy moms to keep in mind is we all have the desire to to be liked by our kids. And I think that often, more and more in the world today, parents want to be their kids’ friend. They want to win their affection. They want to be the cool mom.
Candace (08:18)
Mm.
monica (08:23)
And it was my third son, Luke, who pointed out to me, he’s like, Mom, my friends whose moms are trying to be cool and say yes to everything and be the cool mom, their sons don’t respect them. They don’t have boundaries and their sons walk all over them and ultimately as they’ve grown up, they don’t even have a good relationship. Like the mom was hoping to be their buddy, but it backfired and instead the kids just don’t respect them. And I was like, Whoa, what a good warning.
And so I think it’s just really important for us as moms to yes enjoy humor, have fun, be loving, but our calling is to be parents, not to be their best friend. And I think you would probably agree with me that the pathway to being an adult child’s good friend is to parent first. So we need to have that in place to be the authority, to set a high standard for their behavior, to continue to teach them and train them and give them consequences and discipline.
Candace (09:07)
Absolutely.
monica (09:08)
And then that respect grows and one day as they reach those upper teenage years, you realize, we’re developing a true friendship. So I think it starts by being parent first and knowing when to bring out the humor, knowing when to have some fun or when to just be a soft mom, but really we gotta be parent first.
Candace (09:27)
Mm-hmm.
Candace (09:35)
Yeah. And I think that it’s so important that we know our kids so well. We have those relationships where, you know, they, they can respect us because they know we really care and we really have what’s their best in mind, just like God does with us, right? And so when we have those conversations where we have to bring out something hard, we don’t have to do it in a way that shames or you know, turns them in the other direction. And it’s just like I mean, just speaking it in love.
monica (09:46)
Mm.
monica (09:50)
Yes,
monica (09:57)
Mm.
Candace (10:03)
And keeping that, what’s the true goal in mind and to get their hearts directed back towards Jesus, right?
monica (10:09)
Absolutely yes, well said.
Candace (10:10)
Yeah, so I think that sounds really good to just it it’s always about keeping the long game in mind. So
monica (10:17)
Yes. That’s a theme throughout my book, Boy Mom, is just always parenting today for the young man that you hope to raise one day. And it’s so easy to get caught up in in the little stuff and you know, even in the conversations. Is this really about what we’re talking about? Or is this about something bigger? And being able to zoom out a little bit and go, what do I want to communicate to him now that will help him grow up to be the young man I imagine him being one day?
And then being really prayerful and careful as you go into those conversations.
Candace (10:51)
Yeah, and that goes for moms of girls or boys. I mean, that’s applicable to both. So thank you for sharing that. Okay, so now we’re gonna talk a little bit more specifically about sons. you talk about helping a son reach his God-given potential. What does that look like practically on the day-to-day?
monica (10:53)
Absolutely.
monica (10:54)
It is.
monica (11:01)
Mm.
monica (11:08)
Hmm, yes. Well, I think that in our home, we just have really wanted to focus on excellence in all things. And so what that looks like on the day to day is recognizing the potential our kids have and calling them up to that in really practical ways. And so time management. what are you doing? You know, we’re really careful with screen time.
Are you wasting time on screens that you could be learning a new skill. I mean, we homeschool, so they’re home all day. So it’s not like they’re necessarily gone. So it’s like, well, what can you do with this one hour? You could sure play a video game, scroll through social media, or you could be teaching yourself a new song on the guitar or mastering some other skill. And so I think time management, really calling our boys up to manage the gifts that they’ve been given, the time they’ve been given, and then
You know, also being really careful about the influences in their life, both online as well as the people that they’re connecting with. And you know, we know that kids will become like the company they keep. We all will. And you know, from King Solomon who talked about walking with the wise and becoming wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm. And then even in the New Testament, Paul echoed that when he talked about, you know, do not be deceived. Bad company corrupts good character. And so for us, we were really careful about the environments we put our boys in. Obviously, we want them to be friends with many people.
They did sports, they were around all different kids, but we’re like those that we let get close to our kids. We’re gonna be really careful about that with no apologies because we care so much about who they’re gonna become. And so I think that setting that standard, showing them examples, pointing them to role models, introducing them to people through books, through media that really set that example was so important to us.
So I think it’s kind of the environment as a whole that you set your kids up in, that will help them to rise up and set their gaze on an excellent life. And here on the north shore of Oahu, where we live, that’s not always easy to do. There is a general lifestyle here of people who want to be surfers and not much else. It’s not like everybody’s striving in my kids’ high school, graduating class. There’s not a whole lot of kids are even going away to college. It just is the environment here, the culture here is very laid back. And so for us, that took a little extra effort to be like.
Candace (13:35)
Mm.
monica (13:38)
Here’s what we see in your future. Let’s talk about this. What does this look like? And inspiring them by bringing other people into their life that can also set that example. Yeah. Absolutely. Yes. Thank God for those people. Yeah.
Candace (15:47)
Mm, that’s good. You know, mentors and youth leaders and other adults in their life. Yes, absolutely. Mm-hmm. And it just makes me think back to we got to know our kids, right? We got to know their strengths and weaknesses and what their potential is. We can’t coach them to be the God-given potential that they have inside them if we don’t know really what that is to help them along. And we and it’s not about us living vicariously through them, you know. So
monica (13:58)
Mm, yes, yes.
monica (14:15)
Mm-hmm. You’re so right. Yes. And I think when you have more than one kid, you learn really quickly that they are so unique. And that’s where I think we need to be prayerful and look at them and say, God, show me how they’re wired. Show me how to parent each one individually, always with the aim of discovering their God given gifts and always with the aim of setting that high standard. But really they will do that in unique ways. No two will be alike, and my goodness, my four could not be more different from one another.
And yet they all have that thread of excellence woven through their life, and I think that took some intentionality.
Candace (14:46)
Mm-hmm.. I can imagine those conversations about their identity and God has a plan and a purpose for them and just understanding to how to bring that out. What is one thing that you wish more moms understood about what their sons actually need as you’ve raised four sons at this point?
monica (14:50)
Mm. Yep.
Absolutely.
monica (15:06)
Yes. I think I already touched on the friendship versus parenting thing. And so that would be a big one that I would normally say. but you just mentioned the word identity, and that’s one of the things I I talk about the very most because I think it is so essential. I think that we can sometimes overlook how important these conversations are, that we teach our kids the unchanging truth of who they are because God created them in his image. He loves them.
He has a purpose and a plan for their life. And I think that we need to teach that over and over and over. Because whether they tell you or not, every kid is going to struggle with their identity and their self-worth. Every kid, my sons will tell you that they’ve gone through many stages where they really wrestled with those things. What gives me value? Am I important enough? I mean, social media has only made this so much harder.
But the more we can help our kids be grounded in their identity in Christ, the stronger they’re going to walk through everything in life. And so I think that as moms, we need to communicate more than we realize. Just, hey, you’re loved. Hey, at the end of the day, these grades, maybe they’re great, but you know what? They’re not what give you value. Winning that basketball game, that’s awesome. But you know what, even if you lost, you would still have as much value. And I’m thankful for people like Tim Tebow who have written books and I can point my boys to those books. And there’s some great examples out there, but my boys will tell you that
You know, when they would lie in bed after a defeat or feeling down on themselves, it it was those scriptures, it was those truths that we had spoken over and over that rose back up in their hearts and their minds and helped them get through some hard seasons.
Candace (16:43)
That’s so beautiful. And I know we all struggle with that, right? So it’s important for all of us to have. So for moms who are listening that don’t have sons, what part of this message would you think translates to raising girls and of character and vape?
monica (16:49)
Hundred percent. Yep, we do. Yes.
monica (16:56)
Mm.
monica (19:01.335)
Sure. Well, it was after so many people read Boy Mom and told me, you know, this applied to my daughter as much as my son, that I had to realize that yes, so much of this is really parenting. I think boys have some, you know, unique needs and they’re wired differently. God made boys and girls different. But it was because of that that I ended up writing my book, Raising Amazing, because I was like, you what, this is parenting.
And so, yes, identity is huge for girls. my goodness. Girls are impacted more than boys by social media. So that’s an area I’d say be very, very careful. If you have a daughter who struggles with their identity and their self-worth, I would keep them off of social media as much as possible. but all of these things are gonna really come back to teaching kids a a biblical worldview, talking to them about each issue that comes up through the lens of scripture, that’s gonna apply to girls just as much as boys.
Candace (17:55)
When do you have those conversations? When do you think are they I mean, are they t random or do you have them purposefully?
monica (17:59)
Hm
monica (18:03)
Yeah. so good. Well, because of our homeschool lifestyle, that made things a lot easier because sometimes they would ha happen at random points throughout the day. And I love that about homeschooling that you have that opportunity to kind of go pause. Let’s talk about this a little bit more. but I will say our favorite time as a family to have these conversations is around the dinner table.
First of all, a lot of families never sit around the dinner table. So if you’re listening to this and you don’t, I encourage you at least a couple times a week, really try to get that family, whether it’s breakfast, lunch, or dinner, a weekend, just dinner time or or table time is so important. And then when you’re sitting at that table, get those phones away. No phones at the table. That’s gonna just take away any opportunity you have to connect. But also it’s possible to just have
Conversations about anything and and they all matter. They’re all good. But if you can just be intentional to think before you sit down, I’m gonna bring something up, maybe something that was in the news or in the culture that will then apply to your life or each of the kids’ lives, having opportunity to do that is so helpful. And then to have a Bible handy.
Because when these things come up, instead of just like, talking about what seems right, feels right, everybody else thinks is right, open God’s word and say, Well, let’s see what God’s word has to say about this topic. These we call them tabletop conversations have been some of the most important influences I think in my kids’ lives now that they’ve moved away. When they come home and we say, hey, what do you want to do in your home? You know, of course they want to go surfing, they want to hike their favorite trails, but they almost always will say, I just want some good time around the table with you guys. And I love that because that we realize now looking back that those were such formative conversations as they grew up.
Candace (19:45)
Absolutely. I could not agree more. Did the same exact thing. So very, very
monica (19:50)
Yes. And I’ll add here too, most people know or I I know it has been talked about a lot, but if you’ve got teenagers, late night is often when they’re ready to open up. And so right when we’re ready to crash into bed and are exhausted, if you go sit on the edge of your son’s bed and give him a little back scratch and say, So, anything on your mind or how was this or a simple question and you just wait and you’re kind of quiet and you don’t talk over him.
Eventually those boys tend to open up late night and then you need to be ready because sometimes those are the longest conversations and the deepest ones, but you don’t want to miss those. So if you can stay up, go check on the boys at night and it’s pretty special what can happen.
Candace (20:22)
Mm.
Candace (20:35)
I would definitely have to be praying that God would give me the energy to handle that, especially, yeah, yeah, not every night, but especially if something comes up that’s dramatic or whatever. But and I’m sure too, if they know that you’re going to intentionally try to connect with them at least sometime during the day, that they get used to it and they they really value that because they want to open up. They want that relationship.
monica (20:38)
I know, right? It’s true. It’s not every night.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
monica (20:54)
Mm.
monica (21:01)
Yes, yes, definitely.
Candace (21:01)
Yeah. So so how do you cultivate then a genuine love for God in your sons rather than just an outward faith? Because we know that when kids leave the home, if they haven’t owned their own faith, that they have a much higher chance of walking away. So can you share some of that with us?
monica (21:10)
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
monica (21:15)
Mm-hmm.
monica (21:22)
yeah, yeah. Yeah. Goodness. This is such an important topic and George Barna’s research has just been so eye-opening to me to hear that he says two-thirds of kids raised in a Christian home will walk away from their faith when they leave home. And that scares me. And I think it should. That should shake us all.
So I think that the most important things we can do aren’t necessarily even in what we’re teaching our kids, but it’s how we’re living our lives.
More is caught than taught. And so I think as parents, we can’t pass on something we don’t have. So the most important thing we can do, you might call yourself a Christian, you might have a history in, you know, walking with the Lord, but maybe in the busyness of of work and family life, you’ve fallen away from spending time in the Word every day. maybe you’re not going to church regularly. Well, those are the things that I would say the very first step is open your Bible, spend time praying. Let your kids see you committed to daily time with the Lord. And again, if you haven’t been doing that, I encourage you to tell your kids, just own it. Be like, hey, I’m sorry, I realize that I’ve kind of fallen away from some really important spiritual disciplines. I’m committing to getting back into this. And by you doing that, that’s probably even more powerful than anything else you could teach them because they’re seeing you humbly owning that and doing something about it. So spending time with the Lord.
Getting plugged into a local church, making that part of your family’s rhythm is gonna make a big difference. And then talking to them authentically, not preaching at them, not trying to pretend you’re perfect, being humble, owning mistakes, saying, my goodness, I was reading the Bible today and I was so convicted that I have been, maybe it’s something like gossiping, because they hear you, they know if you have been, they’ve they’ve overheard it, or I’ve had a critical spirit.
Or I’ve just, you know, not been walking in the joy of the Lord. And so when we own those things and we tell them how God’s word spoke to us about it, they’re taking mental notes, whether we think they are or not. And so, yeah, living out our faith is the number one thing, and then talking to them and then bringing them in, bringing them to church, helping them find some good places to get plugged into.
My boys have pretty much been raised at three different youth groups on our North Shore. That’s their social life. One night they’re at one, another night they’re at the other. It’s it’s what they do and it’s been so normal for my boys. And I’m so grateful that they’ve had those opportunities and that they’re not somewhere else on a Wednesday or Friday or Saturday night. So that’s been our story and finding those good influences and making sure that you’re willing to drive to youth group, pick up, you’re willing to help them find the healthy influences is so important.
Candace (24:01)
I think too, I mean, I’m sure you’ve had to make choices with the way they you’re they’re going to youth group instead of that extra activity or or sport or something like that. And I’m just sh ex showing that by example that it’s a priority.
monica (24:09)
Mm-hmm. Yep. Yep.
monica (24:16)
Exactly, yes. And you know, I hear from a lot of people because we’ve raised my third son is a professional surfer and my fourth son is a competitive golfer. And so I hear from a lot of families who are like, What do you do about Sunday sports, Sunday activities? And I don’t think there’s an easy answer for that, but I do think you need to take some time to pray and talk about it, how you’re gonna navigate. I’ve said before, if there’s a sport that happens every Sunday, we’re not gonna sign up for it.
We have had some exceptions where there’s a tournament or something on a Sunday and if we you know, some churches have opportunities to go Saturday night and that’s awesome. or early Sunday morning and then you get to your tournament. But there’s some times where we’re not legalistic about it because our church isn’t just Sunday morning to us. You know, it it’s being plugged into a prayer night at the church one night a week. It’s doing other things, Bible studies, youth group, all of that. But I do think Sunday morning should be a priority. So showing kids what that looks like to sometimes say no to other things.
is really important.
Candace (25:14)
Yeah. And I’m just thinking about trying to coordinate. So we just met and we’re learning about each other. We have obviously a very similar heart for moms and families and we raised our kids very similarly. right now I’m in a season where my two nieces they’re teenagers, and they’re currently living with us.
monica (25:24)
Mm-hmm.
monica (25:33)
wow. Good for you.
Candace (25:34)
And this has happened, this happened last April. So here I am, an empty nester for over a decade. And I have teenagers back in my home. Now they’re girls, so it’s not a boy situation, but it’s so, you know, in my face right now of how hard it is to carve out time. And I it just makes me so sympathetic when, you know, they’re both in band and they have rehearsal. And how do we, you know, make sure
monica (25:40)
Amazing. Wow. Yeah.
monica (25:50)
Mm yes.
Mm-hmm.
Candace (26:00)
We have two rules for them when they moved in. You gotta have dinner with us every night and as much as possible, right? And go to church with us on Sundays. And so we’re trying to stick to that, but it’s not always possible. And we’re, you know, we’re just trying to navigate it all.
monica (26:04)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Awesome.
monica (26:12)
Yeah. Yes.
monica (26:14)
Well, I think there’s grace for that. And that’s important too, to say, okay, it doesn’t happen all the time. If you made that the most important thing, then that then you’re having a legalistic spirit and you’re more like the Pharisees. So saying, Okay, there’s grace for that, but hey, if we can’t be at church together, let’s gather tonight and have a time where we read some scripture and pray together, maybe do a worship song. So I think that when it’s a lifestyle, when it’s like truly coming out of the overflow of your heart, it’s gonna be so much more natural than if it’s something you’re trying to force.
Candace (26:44)
Yes. Good point. So all you mamas out there of teens, I’m really, you know, back in the thick of it and it is toughand yet I already see the fruit of just what they’re what they’re experiencing with us. So it’s it’s it’s really it’s so valuable.
monica (26:49)
Yeah.
monica (26:59)
Yeah, probably more than you realize. You’re going to know in a few years how impactful this time has been. So good for you. Keep it up. good.
Candace (27:05)
Mm. It’s been a real blessing. Yeah. Okay, so let’s talk a little bit about prayer because we know how vital that is. How do you pray with your boys? What role has prayer played in shaping who they’re becoming? share some of that with us.
monica (27:10)
Mm-hmm.
monica (27:18)
Mm. Yeah. Well, I think that from the time our boys were young, again, they’ve just kind of seen my husband and I get up and start our day with prayer and bible reading. And when they were little, because again of our homeschool lifestyle, it makes it easy to be able to you know, they wake up, I’m sitting on the couch with my Bible. So to just bring them in and kind of do those devotions with them in their early years. And then they hit an age where they can read their
ready to be more independent and I think kind of just teaching them that this is a normal, healthy part of the day. You get up, you read your Bible, and you pray. You know the word before the world. And so keep them off of phones and devices and say, open God’s word, spend a few minutes praying. And it can sound like, that can be legalistic. Yeah, it can be, but I’m also like, hey, I tell them to brush their teeth, to eat their vegetables. Like I know what’s good for them and
Being in the word and praying is one of the most important things. And my husband has always taught our boys simple scripture from the time they’re like toddlers in Matthew 4, 4, man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. He’s like, this is how you live. We wouldn’t go throughout the day. If you forget breakfast, you’re gonna find food somewhere, right? Well, in the same way, if you forget God’s word in prayer, you need to stop what you’re doing and take that time for it. So we really teach it just like it’s a healthy discipline like any other.
healthy discipline. And again, we, we’re not the most structured family. We don’t have like regular weekly devotions necessarily, but every once in a while after dinner we’ll just my husband plays guitar and so we’ll just be like, hey, let’s let’s have a little family devotional time and we’ll pray together as a family. So I think again, just modeling how it happens naturally is the best way. And goodness, II just have to pray for my kids every day because I need God’s wisdom so badly. So they see that.
There’s no doubt that they’ve seen how mom depends on the Lord for everything.
Candace (29:11)
And like you said, more is caught than taught. So I know for us, we have a child who struggled with anxiety from a young age. And so immediately we taught him to pray like he was three years old. And it’s okay, you know, I’m worried about this. Let’s go to the Lord, you know, and just constantly reinforcing. So what about you?
monica (29:17)
Mm.
monica (29:21)
Mm.
monica (29:27)
Yeah, and I think too, I’ll just add to that that I think scripture memory is really helpful. So if they’re struggling with something like anxiety or fear or worry, giving them a couple verses that writing them on a card and and just helping them hide those verses in their heart is gonna really help them practically apply God’s word, God’s spirit to the things that they face.
Candace (29:31)
Mm.
Candace (29:48)
Absolutely. So what about a mom who feels like her son is drifting spiritually? How would you encourage her?
monica (29:53)
Mm.
Mm-hmm. Well, this is where I get pretty, pretty tough in my tough love, my mentor voice, because I am so convinced that influences are so massive that I would say, do whatever it takes to clean up any influences that are dragging them down. If you’re starting to see a sun drift, I would I would get on your knees, I would plead with God, I would look at them and say,
Who is in their life that is pulling them away? Because the enemy does prowl around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. And if you can get it, your kids. Ooh. So get radical, cut off relationships, switch teams, schools, move. I’ve heard people moving to a new town. I’m like, this is so important. How many people tell me, my son’s friends, none of them are Christians, but you know, he needs friends. And I’m like, I
Candace (30:34)
Mm.
monica (30:49)
I’m sorry, but I’d rather have a lonely kid than a kid who’s hanging out with a bunch of kids who are gonna drag him down. And that is part of my story I tell in Boy Mom and probably in everything I ever write is that my sons did go through a lonely season. probably mostly because when they hit those tween and early teenage years, some of those friends that they grew up with, doing youth group, doing church, they were starting to make choices to pull away. And pretty soon my sons were like, Who’s left?
And then they’d ask the question, you know, well, what would it hurt? What if I hang out with this group of kids? Maybe I’ll be a good influence on them. To which I would say, unlikely, because if there’s a group of kids, it is much more likely they will influence you than you would influence them. So we’d say, hey, bring them to our house, invite them to youth group. You know, you can stay friends with those kids, but I’m not gonna let you just go hang out at the beach with a bunch of teenagers who I know are making bad choices. So that’s been hard.
And I always tell this story about, sharing with one of my friends, like, I don’t know what to do. He’s lonely. He needs a friend. And her husband happened to be standing there. And he turns with his hands on his hips and he says, Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.
And that’s kind of when everything clicked. And again, it’s in scripture. I just quoted, you know, from Proverbs and from Paul talking about the influences. But when you think about how important these influences are in our kids’ lives, it’s worth making some hard choices. So if they’re drifting, check their influences.
Candace (31:56)
Mm.
monica (32:13)
And then ask them questions. Just let them know, hey, I care about you. I see this. Do you have questions? Is there something that’s in the way of you and God? How can I help you resolve doubts or questions? What’s going on? You know, are they on social media? What kind of changes do you need to make in their screen time and those sorts of things? But definitely don’t just tell yourself, this’ll pass. All kids go through this. No, it does not go away.
Candace (32:37)
Mm. Mm.
monica (32:41)
if you just turn your head and ignore it more and more in our culture today, these are things that you need to take very seriously. So not in a fear way, like but in a fear way. Like there’s a balance there. Yeah. I mean and the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And so you want to fear him and the stakes are high for our kids.
Candace (32:52)
Take yeah. Reverence, right?
monica (33:03)
And we’re called to bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. That’s our job. So I do say, have some fear for what’ll happen if they go. But at the same time, stay faithful, stay prayerful. Trust God that if you’re doing all the right things, He’s ultimately the only one that can win their hearts. So it may take some time. It may be a trial and it may take time. But keep faithful and God will help you through it.
Candace (33:30)
That’s a thorough answer. And it really is the theme of the whole of our whole conversation because it’s just being watchful and paying attention. And I’m thinking about, you know, just you saying how we don’t necessarily want to be our kids’ friends. We want to have a relationship with them, but we want them to respect us. And it’s gonna be sometimes we’re gonna make really hard choices and decisions that aren’t gonna make us popular in the moment. So
monica (33:32)
Yeah.
monica (33:38)
Mm, mm-hmm.
monica (33:45)
Mm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
monica (33:52)
Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. For sure. Yes.
Candace (33:57)
Okay, you wrote raising amazing. And I want to talk just a few minutes about that because you’re talking about mom’s relationships with boys, but you have something in every chapter of raising amazing. It’s a word to the dads. And so why was it important for you to include his voice, this voice?
monica (33:59)
Mm-hmm.
monica (34:05)
Mm-hmm.
monica (34:11)
Mm-hmm.
monica (34:17)
Yes. Well, probably because as much as I do most of the writing in the family and my husband’s got a busy job and all the rest, the truth is is his wisdom has shaped so much of my parenting and our family. And I was like, my goodness, if people if the dads could hear from him, how great that would be. And so I also know that
Moms read a lot more than dads, at least parenting books. I don’t think there’s a lot of dads out there devouring parenting books. So I was like, but you know what? If at the end of every chapter we can have like, you know, the the short page that’s kind of taking this topic and giving my husband a chance to speak directly to the dads on this topic, kind of put it in a nutshell. That’s what we wanted to do. And that’s been really fun. And a lot of moms have said they’ve loved having that because they can just read their chapter and then hand it off and say, here, this part’s for you, and it’s doable.
Dads tend to be willing to read a page and it’s impactful because my husband did not hold back and gave some really good hard words to the dads, but also a lot of encouragement.
Candace (35:18)
So I know that that’s helping moms and dads get on the same page. And what does it look like when parents partner together to raise kids of character, especially when they have different styles of leading?
monica (35:22)
Hm, yeah, yeah.
monica (35:30)
Yeah.
yeah, definitely. And just like we talked about how all kids are different, husbands and wives even more usually have a different style. And it’s beautiful and it’s not easy. And my husband and I still have moments where, you know, we have different opinions or we’re approaching things differently. But God made it that way. He gave kids a mother and a father for a reason.
And so I think for us as moms to, you know, maybe be the more tender, the more compassionate, the more soft and thoughtful one, and then bring in the dads with who are gonna probably be a little bit tougher on them, who was a boy once themselves and and of course we raising girls, same thing. So it’s a beautiful picture, but it’s not easy and it’s gonna take intentionality. And that’s why I think it’s so important that we continue to nurture our marriages.
So we need to pull away and have time together as husband and wife so that we are knit together, so we’re walking in unity and then when it comes to parenting, we can be more on the same page.
Candace (36:28)
Mm-hmm. Cause I hear moms a lot of times want to get in the way, I think, of the dad’s relationship in more in the discipline side because they think that it’s too harsh or or whatever. But sometimes, you know, that’s it’s different with boys a little bit, right?
monica (36:33)
Mm,
monica (36:37
Yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. it is. It is. And I’ve been guilty of that more times than I wanna confess, where I’m like try to jump in and like, No b you know, and then later I’m like, Ugh, I need to trust him. God gave those kids to him for a reason. So yeah. It’s tough. Yeah.
Candace (36:51)
Same.
Candace (36:57)
Yeah, that’s, that’s a great caution for all of us. okay, so as we start to close here, it’s been a really fun conversation. So for the mom who feels like she’s overwhelmed and she’s not doing she’s feeling like a failure, what would you want her to hear from you today?
monica (41:19.308)
I think that she needs to know that every mom feels that way. from those of us writing parenting books to your neighbor. That’s part and parcel of the package of being a mom. And the enemy wants you to feel like you’re the only one and like you are failing, but you’re not. It’s never too late to turn over a new leaf and try some things that you haven’t been doing. So God’s not surprised by anything. He knows everything already. So cry out to him.
Be in prayer. Find a friend that you can trust to pray with you. Get plugged into a women’s group at your church if you can, because you’re gonna find like-minded women there who will understand. But Galatians 6:9 has been one of my theme parenting verses for many years. It says, Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due season you will reap a harvest if you don’t give up. And there’s a few important things in there. It’s perseverance, it’s long suffering.
And that harvest will come later. So don’t give up. And even when you fail, like I mentioned earlier, own it. Let your kids know you messed up. Let them know that you desperately need God and his word and his forgiveness and his grace. And that’s the gospel. You’re living out the gospel when you do that. So it’s okay if you blow it, just make sure to repair and to then walk out what you’re telling them you’re gonna do. And just don’t grow weary, just keep going. It’s hard.
But it’s gonna be worth it in the long run.
Candace (38:41)
That’s so rich. I love what you’re saying of how, when we own our mistakes, we’re living out the gospel and we’re showing them that it’s okay, that they’re not gonna be perfect either. But that’s why we all need grace. So praise God. Well, where can our listeners connect with you, Monica?
monica (38:45)
Mm-hmm. Yes, yes.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, yes.
monica (38:59)
Yes. Well my home base is my website, monicaswanson.com. And if you go there and there’s a little start here button and that’ll link you to everything. I have a lot of fun free printables and things, some email lists for people who want to raise kids of character, talk about women’s health, talk about homeschooling. So if any of the topics that I talk about are interesting to you, I’ve probably got something over there that’ll be helpful to you.
And then on Instagram, I’m at MonicaSwanson underscore. And that’s my favorite social media place to hang out. And I’m love to meet people. So if you’re on there, be sure to say hi. Let me know how you found me.
Candace (39:35)
Great. Well, thanks again. I really appreciate your vulnerability and sharing. I know it’s gonna be a real blessing. So I wish you all the best.
monica (43:56.12)
Thank you so much. Thank you.
